{Hidden Truths: What about me? }

Originated on OCTOBER 25, 2026

Retyped on August 19, 2026 at 12:54 AM

Finished Retyping on August 21, 2026 at 10:21AM

Voice to Text dictation was utilized to create this article, too. Save on some typing.

maybe you can go look up a T.V. show “Medium” and this show used to give me the edge of your seat yet spooky vibe when I watch this way before I had a family of my own, While I grew up watching many shows especially the iconic TV shows Law and Order as well as Law & Order special victims Unit, CSI Miami, Monk, Nash Bridges, Matlock and where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Plus, I loved reading Nancy Drew books growing up besides a variety of others period my grandma like to watch TV and so I was watching most of her programs yet they were really interesting and I flipped through the channels most days on my own to catch Bob Ross, Bill Nye The Science Guy, Keenan and Kel, Salute Your Shorts, Eureka’s Castle, Rugrats, Hey Arnold, Rocco’s Modern World, Rocket Power and the whole array of shows.

Anyway we are going to wind it way back before I was came onto this Earth’s side, let’s set the scene. An all-girl swim team is up soon and they have diving boards and the competition is giving it back saying it to their faces or whispering it to the sides trailing off like they’re hot shits. This is where you feel like a badass to show off your moves and swim your fastest yet this is yet another place where one can become self-conscious to others remarks. Plus One Piece swimsuits are quite revealing and just maybe this one person did try to speak up to their parents saying they really didn’t like this like the swim team as a sport but parentsEncouraged her to stick it out and keep at it give it some more time while others remarks how chubby she was and how big her thighs were and how she felt not really part of the team so upsetting the others can be so vocal to say look at her and point a finger and laughItahertz of all kinds usually get tucked away and these unresolved emotions and pains can get can take up a lot of room within us and cause energy blockagesThat saying try not to bottle things up yet sometimes people take a long while to open up and others just lock it up and throw the key awayWhat route does that student sister or female do in this situation they can seek out someone they trust like a school counselor a good friend their parents a teacher and share something uncomfortable with another except what if they don’t speak? What if they kept it quiet and stuffed it down and let it get buried? They don’t write it down they don’t draw paint nothing out it just gets packed away and never sought out again?This unresolved pain emotion is stagnant and will hold on to you although the person feels more in control by stuffing it yet starts new ways to cope ,,, it starts out small then it becomes a way of life to deal with unresolved pains of all sorts This person is not big on having people near because she wants to remain unseen and whatever else it’s like she built an invisible protection yet something isn’t great nor ideal how does someone get connected to another to Rift them out of this unhealthy shelter they built all around themselves?

Although comma the bigger question is will this person who is vulnerable and stuck be willing to step into change period will they be able to un-grip themselves to what they fasten themselves as they’re more reasonable Comfort spot even though an outsider notes is more then what meets the eye. That mode of being stuck is one-of-a-kind can be so bewildering as another tries to hold the hand out to say something like that was then and you are not there anymore let’s walk from that chapter some don’t want to revisit or unwrap what’s hidden because maybe they cannot reach it anymore or they are not willing to face it.

my dad recalls a memory over the phone with me about my mom being 8 months pregnant and he said she didn’t really look that pregnant at all so until they found out it was me baking in the oven so to speak my dad was excited and surprised and overall excited yeah my mom was not really that thrilled nor was she eating that well i was hungry and when I was born I had three fingers in my mouth life went on and I remember seeing a baby picture with a white tiny polka dot dress and with a sunny scene on top and my legs were so slimAnd my mom shared with me that I was having trouble gaining weight I noticed it was within my calves it was so perplexing but not really because she always recollectedThat I was amazing I always sleep from 7:00 p.m. To 7:00 a.m. Without waking up during the night as I am as I am a mother I was so taken aback and knew that was a giant signal beaming off can’t rely on Mom for food because she was limiting herself or starving herself So yeah Domino’s effects can happen in all sorts of positive neutral and unwill ways so very challenging and she always lived with my grandmother her mom and there were times my grandma tried to get herself from this entanglement it’s not like someone could just flip a coin to make this person wake up smell the roses and get well this woman was stuck and just lost of her own self I guess My my father got pushed out of the picture when they stayed at Mom’s parents home and then decided to not live and go back with my father’s own apartment that they had my guess is based on his history that he shared when I was well into my adult years I was there at the hospital I caught you and all that Yet they were yet there they were together for 7 years before having me therefore he said he did remember the night he must have not pulled out and the seeds of semen traveled right on so with that being said he was honest and well my mom never really spoke too much about it another hidden layer right it was sort of a bad mystery with not knowing what pages would ever get to be a page get to be a page Turner in a ways In ways of I had to put the book down more than be super engrossed by trying to read and take it in as much as I could one do in one sitting. so my dad got pushed away and we became estranged as the years went on i had no memories of him at all while kids would ask me do you know your dad’s name or where he is or where he is? I usually said I didn’t have one until I spoke to him at 9 years old and that was a shy day for both of us completely period well anyway well anyway the only reason it got prompted was because another outlier Lady in his life had two boys of her own and she set after the child support papers got served to him to garnish his wages and all that processes He did listen to her Dawn And started to speak to me on Telephone Handed up getting a toll-free number 800 number so his brothers and myself could call we had access to each other by telephone and that was that

i think most of my early years I was used to being a kid and my grandmother always provided our basic needs and plenty of food although I think the real eye-opener was going out of state with my mom’s father that be my grandfather he suggested we go one year to Las Vegas Nevada and my mom actually wrestled with the idea before actually taking it to the next level when we arrived we found an apartment about a week or so later with Grandpa and Grandpa did a Rent-A-Center to furnish the entire apartment. I attended a newly constructed Middle School Clifford Junior High School where I got to learn a string instrument the cello and take art class which was way cool although things changed about halfway through when my grandfather had to go home to Rhode Island and my mom had to get a lease of her own and good luck you think that she lived with another responsible adult that you think she could match it nah!

My grandfather gave me a couple hundred dollars for me to count it out and he said to me you think that will make you until end of the school year for food at school question Mark i said I’m going to run out my grandfather said I would have to get the rest from my mom and I looked at him and I don’t believe that will happenSo let’s get right to it we went from a model Grandma and Grandpa and my mom just serves up the complete opposite on her own I didn’t see any doctors or dentists out of state when dental problems arose because one time a tooth broke and I rushed the bathroom to look in the mirror it was bleeding and well guess whatIt just stayed that wayIt was a bottom toothThen I was eating a steak dinner with my grandpa was still there and my tooth once again broke apart went my grandfather was so quiet yet showed a emotionWhen we were at the second apartment in Las Vegas Nevada chica a TV that sat in a built-in shelving and no furniture a telephone no silverware only plastic utensils she did the highest things all I remember was Spanish olives in the fridge and saltine crackers and we’ll go out each night to get whatever was on the menu at Panera Bread every fucking night so this chick barely ate and well I had my lunch money from my grandfather and my mom paid the rent and whatever without problems because she had money stockpiled in the bank and did not work at all plus the kicker she had Grandma sending the payments from child support in the mail and then the money ran out I had a bag full of change I showed it to her with the last of my $18 and what did she say to me well let’s just put it this wayShe didn’t Fork over any money at all! Hold on I needed at her to go to the supermarket to buy me lunches and paper bags… Did she NO! did I have ANYONE near me, NO! i could call my friend Amanda Jacobson in Rhode Island which I did call her but what was she going to do anyway question Mark she and I did imagination and storytelling with the boy bands like Backstreet Boys and N*SYNC, 98 Degrees, and and would send fun hand drawn pictures of what we described in the mail and over the phone we shared so many good laughs together anyway I went to school and I had some friends and the tall blonde girl said she got me for the rest of the year (i think she was well -to-do!)yet she was so cool! she bought me school lunches and I did not take the bus there we lived right up the road near the desert and more newer developed construction. I never went in the outdoor pool and there was a beautiful Billiards table with an entertainment area with kitchen to have Community parties and such dot.. Well the leasing agent always had chocolate chip cookies to ready to bake in the toaster oven periodSo many days I got to to the community area on my own and just chill there and eat what was there which was chocolate chip cookies which got old quick Period Dry heat out there and I wore a semi translucent white rain/ windbreaker Jacket and farmer Jean shorts I had a few other outfits and one pair of sneakers There wasn’t really any place to walk to like I have here in Willimantic Connecticut…And the breeze was warm / hot dry and the bluest skies maybe rained 2X a year And that I witnessed Period Better yet my mom did not drink smoke do drugs yet what she did was limiting food limiting eating I think we had Gatorades to keep hydrated.

then she figured that by us not using the shower that she would not have to clean it when we live to go back to Rhode Island so she was a real bump on the log yeah I thought she like to clean except it was just another way to be within power and control I guess. I had to resort to sponge baths and there was a giant wall to wall mirror with a long counter with sinkThere in front of me… And I really thought I could put the shower on and just take one but no she would shut that right down and just would not allow it at all.I think Spongebobs or just not that exciting and when I did itJust some things were not done that well like my neck and since it was not really a shower probably didn’t do it as often so dirt builds up because one of my friends at school said something and the tall blonde girl knows too yet they weren’t mean to me, I just knew I had to wash it better Yet it was a challenge because all of the brick walls. School was my safe spot and being at home with Someone Who was stuck in that living life other than mundane lifestyle… Wish just so limiting and I tell you there is plenty of resources yeah I don’t think she had snap because when because then why did she buy only Spanish olives and crackers, not even milk and cereal, no oatmeal… That place was bare! I remember the cable man noticed nothing in our apartment and she got she got basic cable and he hooked us up with the Primo cable and she got charged basic cable prices period when my grandfather called we spoke about it if Mom gave me more money and I said, “No I told you she wouldn’t!” I heard him like he wanted to say something in the midst of a cry So imagine slipping through the cracks this is how kids brought into this world who weren’t equipped to take it on or just didn’t want a baby but here I am right probably so! My mom Wasn’t capable… Yet she had a bank account in a car at the time and she was not on the systems especially since she had a built-in system something called blood related family members that she could leech off of She had plenty of time or maybe find the reason or inspiration to change but she was so stuck in her ways. She resisted to see any medical She resisted to see any medical doctor/ dentist anything… I swear I witnessed the slowest suicide that anyone could bare.

After my grandma left the Belvedere house in Cranston Rhode Island things really went downhill even though Grandma was still providing the roof over our heads not just her her daughter and me grandma stop sleeping on her bed and she went in the living room to not reclining chair yet a comfy chair with a hassoc period my uncle Steven gave my grandma a white short-haired cat named Wendy and she was a fun cat.My mom just never did much on her own… It’s like Here is the bed here is this bed we will just utilize it oh and not just like until she got some more child support money and get maybe another bed from me or get some resources to do the bedroom differently, nope except that couch was much more firmer and not great for sleep so imagine that share a bed and also have no privacy, ever! At least when I came back to Rhode Island I could take showers comma did I tell my grandma capital letters I don’t think so period I think I was just glad to be back to a comfort zone and there was food in the pantry, the kitchen and the fridge at all times, phew! comma body soaps, Kleenex boxes, lay on top of the bed at the end of the bed cover and cover it up with a bigger plastic CVS bags and then that made the side of the bed more busy and she would have to send her legs more to the middle of the bed since she did that! She tend to talk more about people with me (gossip) and sometimes we did the same exact as time went on I just decided to stop all that because I don’t roll that way We didn’t read the same books we really we really didn’t do anything together except watch TV sometimes.

I felt neglect, I felt a lot of things yet I was an only child and I felt my grandma was an enabler as she did get really frustrated and mad about things about her daughter but you know what we don’t run to the police …all stays within the family. Hush, Hush, talk behind the scenes or gossip depended on who was the town crier and such or who really had your back kind of thing. My thing was why did I have to share a bed with Mom when I was in 6th grade …all because my grandma would not pick up MORE slack of Deadbeat Mom…my mom got $100 a week for support for one child …they were never married, she did not get it right away but you know what my father had an alarm business and a career in telecommunications but he moved to FL. How did that happen because Mom …yet mom didn’t protect me, Dad didn’t protect me, Grandma and Grandpa helped greatly …except my mom had deeply ingrained issues and what happens. This went on for years on and off where she would come into the bathroom and not leave supplies in the bathroom shampoo and body soap –she had to give it out on the scrunchie and put the shampoo in my hand or on my head …then I would resume and shower and lots of times she would like to have entire conversation when I showered …a few different times she put her supplies away and come back in to talk and she did jump in the shower with me. I was so alarmed that I got right out and grabbed a towel and left. She didn’t seem to fuss but then when she was done the floor would flooded and we didn’t own a mop and bucket so she would lay down toilet paper on it or paper towel and just waste so much paper products had she not flooded out the floor — however did she do that? When she left I would try to put the shower back on and the hot water water ran cold so that was the end of that dysfunctional mess. There was other odd things that happened where if I showered and had a towel on and there was a vertical mirror in that one bedroom apartment with grandma…so its my mom and I in the bedroom again no privacy. She had done this numerous times if I was in bed or with a towel on just had to admire my chest and always said I had such amazing cone-shaped breasts ( and I’m like uh-huh! ) and well hers were not cone-shaped and I’m like OMG and would just cover up and get my clothes and get dressed somewhere else. So, it was like she admired me like I was an extension of her let’s say that. . .except I was not interested whatsoever in that attention at all. I had every right to get mad at my grandma for not protecting me because my Mom did not have it in her to get help and change for the better and my grandma should have gotten someone to take out that bed to the dumpster! All my Mom did was get money and put in the bank and god forbid a family member get smart to give gift cards she would be so controlling most of the time still no spend it …so they got smarter and gave it to me directly and well that worked, sort of. My Mom also threw out my belongings all the time and remain quiet — yup straight up silent treatments and then snide comments like what are you so mad about? When we lived out of state I had a box full of belongings that we planned to not bring on the plane back to RI and well it never showed up at grandma’s house ever! I just knew when Mom’s emotions did not match mine that it felt like she threw it away then mailed it …my mom never spend money on me, and she said “You will get more things,” yeah from other people like grandma or grandpa or whomever not her. Something so deep in here is rotten, then when she got ME working like a straight up Man …well I knew I was a Female but still she barely worked! She got a job at Mohegan Sun as a Chip Cashier or to work in the vault…something like that …she got bad edema in her lower legs and it was startling, for sure! That eventually went away thank goodness it looked like it hurt…she got a job at jewelry place for the holidays she excelled at that job fulfilling orders and then finally KOHL’S opened up and she did that for about a week and guess what QUIT, she said it was too hard while looking down. So, she got me into two jobs and I fell into the babysitting job on the weekends when needed, that another story for another month…yet my mom had me go to the bank with her and she said to write: Pay to the Order of Cynthia J. Zaroogian and she would sign underneath and deposit the money. She never let me keep some of my money I earned and it always went in the bank. I was a straight up slave being used for all I got, basically. My grandmother mentioned I should get Emancipated …didn’t really understand what she meant by that — Had to look it up in a dictionary and yeah…but in my brain I saw not much changing as I could not afford a place of my own with the little money I do make and probably still be living here anyway. So, what is was legally detached I still be in this dysfunctional realm at 16 years old and then by 18, I’m really free, hmm, not sure, sounds interesting. What am I going to do to sue her for all the money she stoked in the bank that I earned? I had a zip and lock and key bag like a bank or the casino had to keep and Domino’s in Cranston or wherever …the whole thing is I had a bank so that bag was temporary.

She got me roped in bad bank deals and add me as a second name or just order me around to get money or drive her there to do bank business and all sorts of things. She would use the phone and could be just me since she knew my social security card #, birth date, where I lived or whatever, phone number and open up accounts w/o me knowing, do class actions, she said I could claim her on taxes and then would want her cut yet she was such a one-way type that didn’t make much sense at all. I helped sell her silver Camry that she did not care to upkeep for oil changes and then later someone hit her while we were parked in a wide round the bend curve street in Cranston, RI …and James Lachance was the boyfriend to this girlfriend which might of been Armenian. She was driving the car and hit an icy patch in the road and slid right into the car. After all that the car got fixed brand new and she wanted to sell it — I had networked at the casino and got a buyer who then gave over $9k for the car and I said to my mom I will be getting a commission — a cut! She threw a fit but you know what I got my $1K commission and she still got paid regardless. I found out through AAA when I needed it when I was pregnant with my first son and went out with Laura Byrum that I needed it for Rob’s green caravan…it wouldn’t turn over–quiet. I called and was so steaming mad that that day it started to down pour and guess what caravan packed to start moving into CT house and some groceries and dead car ( I think it was a water pump issue) and the supervisor said my account was shut down a few months ago and a remaining check got sent…with further discussion not to my house on Cranston Street but to my second guess 75 Oaklawn Ave, Cranston, RI and that was where my grandma and mom lived …so it was my Mom! We feuded about it because she always took over my things and she had NO RIGHT to do that EVER! She said, “You have a man now, let him take care of you.” It was so maddening and frustrating because she had gotten away with so much under the radar! She kept exploiting me and one of the last straws was when she said to a Banker that I had lost a check for Larger amount and no matter what she was all about calling the shots yet I still went in to see the banker (Santander) and that lady said how do you lose a check for $60K? It was a long banker check and my mom was so bad she just do and do and do it all the time (play games). Okay so yeah she wanted me to get that $60,000 check again at the Santander Bank which was right down the street from is right across the street from like Stop & Shop so I’m just like yo I need to get in the bank I was absolutely mortified to get in there because I had already gone in there and literally like closed out the bank account. I’m thinking like okay that’s the end we’re not going to do that ANYMORE — all that BULLSHIT– nope nope! What do we get ? What do we got Ashley? She calls me up while on that casino parking lot –Drops off some really bad news on the freaking phone — Oh yeah your going to have to do this and you’re going to have to do that and you what that’s TOO BAD If you don’t like it! I’m just like you know what I wish you can exist Because all I have is living hell with you all the time! When I’m with you Living at the same household or I’m not living with you at the same household you just have to continue all the time. Yeah it was just absolutely Arduous so when I made it back to Rhode Island I wasn’t even like living there anymore at all AND I think I was still Who Knows that the details but anyway and the thing was I get there and the bank was like why did you lose a check for $60,000? This is me like well I didn’t lose the check and then she’s looking at me like all sternly like right, sure, yeah and then I explained to the banker this lady was a banker remember this and then she’s like –well then what happened to the check– and this is me like i my mom was not responsible with it and then you know and she must just thought I was making up an excuse but this was what exactly happened and I’m like DAMN my MOM she JUST LIKE MISPLACED IT and NOW SHE JUST WANTS ME TO COME IN here–I get another one –Because she NEEDS to have it all her way you know and I was like mortified! But also like doing what I had to do because who else was going to do it, right? It was rediculous! Yep, and then basically She’s like well then what (how) do you want the check …She can put my mom who acted Like ME on the PHONE was like oh yeah You’ll have to make out the check PROBABLY her name on it and it was JUST STUPID and then I said to the lady OH NO NO NO NO we’re not doing that at ALLLLL was like don’t you think that’s fishy and then she was like what I don’t know what to believe right now I have to just Redo the whole check anyway AND then I’m just like this whatever. So yeah and then what did I do YEAH straight up put it right back in my name but you know what Whatever and so then I went to give her the check YOU KNOW what she was Absolutely fucking LIVID She threw the biggest fit into the living room with my grandmother Was a witness right and then I’m just like this well you know what You want to play your games I handed it right back to you. Whatever is there why can’t it be it’s not any different from what you did when I was young at allllll mean like get with the program like you always said Pay to the Order of Ashley NO Pay to the Order of Cynthia J. Zaroogian …So why does it matter? So why does it matter if you come to the bank with me and sign it and then you sign it–what’s the difference? Yeah you train me to do that so now you should be able to follow right in line with that IT’S still all going to be all your money! If you’re playing on your bullshit games and all the bullshit stuff that you’ve been doing and then she’s sitting there and she’s like NO NO I had to be this way and you did it Wrong — and I’m like I did it Wrong?! and I’m like I did it wrong you didn’t either have your license expired or whatever the story was And you’re like what are you trying to play here IT’S either you start going to the BANK which is right in town OR OR Are you just like I just want to get out of this I don’t want to be part of this no more. I never should have been part of this at all I mean you’re the adult right? I’m an adult too but like you know what I’ve been living through constantly LIKE all you want to do is shift move shift money over and over and over and over why? What is the point of this –it was just all a big game– I don’t know what the point of it was at all like a TIME WASTER you know just somebody who just like I don’t know just likes to pull the moves and be like well I wanted to see that reaction OH got that Reaction Oh I got this and then plus on top of it she Always had me go and get her like Large Iced Coffees at Dunkin Donuts That were like extra cream extra sugar and you had to have extra ice on the side I mean You know she’d be like one of those people now that people call like oh there’s a Karen yeah that would be almost like my mom completely And Just being super super I mean she wasn’t really a needy person but when it came to coffee she was like straight up I wanted this way this way this way and I mean she might be polite about it but like I mean the whole point was like she needed to have it that way and if it wasn’t that way good luck So it wasn’t pretty.

So, I want to like jump back a little bit because and y’all like buying a little eye to order but I guess it does really matter just kind of like pick up whatever comes to mind and then that’s it so when I was going to like either going to like middle or high school then yeah and I was taking the bus it could have been high school yeah and then they would sell it a girl on the bus I don’t know her name and she was like super nice and like she was concerned that like I need to go see a doctor and then I was like My God not just again Just like you know Yeah and then I looked at her and I said Well I do go to the doctor so that’s really not the issue and then she’s like No No I mean like you should go SEE the Doctor Again, because and then I guess she like –looked at my arms you like my forearms I was wearing a T-shirt that day so she put it –she from anywhere — you know mid-bi-cep up down right so I’m looking at her and I’m like yeah?! Well Yeah this is just how I live and then she was to me and she was like well I just feel like I don’t know maybe they should like weigh you– Yeah so I got — but like at least she wasn’t a Bully right so I got pegged for being too skinny…All right so and then I was just like well I mean how could I not I PROBABLY was skinny! Because I was more taller than my mom — alright she was like 5’3″ and I was like GETTING there and I was like five six five seven every time SO I was like yeah I was a way taller and wait taller than my grandma my grandpa My grandpa was taller than me but my grandmom and Mor OR at least like 5inches shorter than me not like a lot but like you know just enough that I know I was taller. So yeah, I got pegged and she didn’t UNsee it So then I did actually she kept asking me like each day and she was getting like annoyed . It’s just like OH MY GOD YOU know and I get it she was concerned. And I really believe that like she did like the best of speaking up BUT then I was like so fed up with her asking me on the bus THAT I ended up just telling her THAT I did see the doctor and my weight was like whatever and then she was surprised that my weight was like whatever and but the thing is my weight was within the range sort of. It is just like what were we going to do about that technically I mean I ate at school YOU KNOW and when I lived with Grandma from most of my life I did eat breakfast in the morning and then I did eat dinner LIKE yeah I must have a fast metabolism must been like really fucking high or something so it was like I’m probably just like really stressed all the time like HELL what was like my free time to be like oh yeah I get to do whatever I want — my down time sort of NOT when I was in Skies not in high school I was literally always doing something NOT for school all right it was just like okay well my homework and my art was at night drill. That’s because I had to get ready for the next day or had a project or something like that so I mean I knew how to deal with projects and all that And then I think I asked her my Mom’s help a couple of times with homework and good luck That was like most of the time it was no she did help me like two times in my entire life I think there was one times in Las Vegas, Nevada and then one time When we were already Living at Garden City Apartments in Cranston, Rhode Island That was it and that nope nope and no and then I was like well now at least I try to ask Yeah and then so anyway I think it was like …and until I go fast forward a little bit is that when I graduated high school I think I was like I move my weight I remember I remember a picture of me I did like a side profile picture of myself I think with my canon camera and like yeah I was like and it was on my Facebook it probably still is you know somewhere in the internet and like I was like yeah I was Slim Super Slim I think I was wearing like one of those like I don’t know sort of like Between like a red and pink shirt I was slightly ribbed and then it had like the instead of it being like a polo. It was Sort of like BUT has little buttons that came down like it would act like a polo withouth the polo part right and then I had like those skinnier like Khaki Pants on. Yeah and I remember I think I had my hands like maybe slightly into my pockets — Yeah and I was like I was built Slim So but you could tell and I think my weight was like maybe like 110lbs and I was 5’8″ so it was like yep … I’m not sure if that was 110lbs I said it been a little less but yeah I was really slim and had Short hair at the time and I liked my I liked my short hair at that time yeah.

Like I don’t really remember any of my birthdays at all Other than my 13th birthday that I had in Las Vegas, Nevada and it was my grandfather, my mother and myself. And it was really funny because the waiter — Thought my mom and my grandpa were like a couple and then were laughing and then I’m laughing and I was just really funny and I think it was that Think it was that mandala Mandalay Bay I was at the Rainforest Cafe. It was so cool when you first walked in there It’s set up like a big full rain forest and all that jazz And then and then when you get inside it was just like this really ornate like LIght cream Kind of like swore those Plus Plushie like clamshell looking like Grand looking like like not like a booth but you know what I mean So Yeah it was just really nice and I think we ended up getting like a Really cool Like I’m almost like a 5 course meal like you know you got like your Get this get that appetizer that little salad dress then before you know you’re having like a soup and then like a main dish and then you know dessert or something like that or some fruit Creme brulee whatever the whole shabam right it was really really cool very very like and we weren’t dressed up or anything but like that place looks like amazing inside. So but you can look up Rainforest Cafe it’s really cool place.

Okay, I’ll be there I don’t know if anybody remembers Bugaboo Creek but yeah that that place was really badass but the thing is when I was there it was a little scary Animatronic animals would move and sometimes it sounds And not all of them were very like Let’s say inviting But yeah it was really badass place if you ever went there.

Oh there was a time I liked in Barrington, Rhode Island and my mom was just like On her own Again which is a really big a really big NO-NO in her world CUZ if you’re I just saw what happened earlier when we were in Las Vegas for like not even 6 months on our own. It was just like Oh my God I can’t imagine something like that happening well I live it so it was like All right but now here we are we’re in Barrington, RI we ended up getting like she ended up getting a like a condo Like Apartments on the second level but there would be shops down below it like it was still a work in progress like they were still waiting to get like some more Avengers in or more shops in And it wasn’t like Right There on the Main Street of Barrington it was more like a little bit AWAY from that area and there was a private school sort of nearby but not right near our neighborhood and it was a bike path over there somewhere yeah anyway I mean was nice but like you if you wanted to walk somewhere good luck you know if you weren’t like right near town so you had to have like a little car or a bike or something you know. But yeah we when we lived there And that rent was outrageous all right and she had to pay for like heat Straight out of her pocket So it’s not talking about she had money in the bank. She did she just constantly hoarding it in there all right I’m not saying like maybe shelf she even worked Should be banking at all she wasn’t giving anything to Grandma nothing all right she was straight up like I don’t know What error she came from but she was just like yo I have to put all the money in the bank and nobody’s getting to it it’s not like even she was getting to it really. I’m sure like when she got the child support money she was just putting some aside and was like okay I’m going to buy some like necessities like she bought this necessities from CVS. It wasn’t like she completely replied on Grandma but guess what she did She was a straight up leech Okay Leech I mean what are we getting at this is what this is what she did All right and I was like yo I’m not going to ever be like this woman I do not want to be living like this well first of all let’s just think about this logically. If she’s leeching off of her parents or her mom You think I’m going to get that chance no that skips a generation everybody okay because the one who’s leeching is the bump on the log who’s not willing to put the work in May have all the ideas right maybe maybe like Trying to bark all the damn orders right because you was pretty good at that too. You know and then he just like She knew how to talk it’s not like she was just like a really Ramped up Mom who just talked like probably like Rob did like super condescending she wasn’t really like that unless she got into a really bad Mood or a really bad argument . Most time she just talked like really nice and if you heard her voice on the phone you would never think that would be like anything she was in Real life like you wouldn’t think anything of her you know you wouldn’t be like oh she does that she could do that yeah that’s So yeah it was all like that but Anyway Barrington, Rhode Island we were in there and she did the same thing she could have done rent to Center. She could have done resources no this is her Open you’re in there it was just all hardwood floors Like the super Golden Glossy ones not the mahogany ones all right she wouldn’t get a couch she didn’t get a she didn’t get a TVI don’t think she even got a telephone No Because now we’re in the era where we had cell phones all right but she didn’t have us. I don’t think she had a cell phone but I had one just like a basic flip phone. I mean we’re talking like basic Hey and then her rent was HER rent was literally like Something Really outrageous look it wasn’t $900 like most places were This was a two-bedroom the two bedroom apartment all right and Then she really like the location plus you probably liked it it was Barrington Rhode Island you know like the prestigious-ness of having Barons and Rhode Island Probably you know on her On our mailing history and stuff like that who knows right and Yeah and then we had I think we may have had a blow up air bed All right I bought two And then she’s like this Oh No you can’t use the other ones see what I mean just like this constant bullshit of like nope nope nope instead of saying you’re not going to buy the other one Which would have been ludicrous anyway I probably would have bought it I would have probably bought it anyway so she tells me not to send out the other airbed put it in the second bedroom good luck that has happened for shit that at one point I had it like in like one of the common spaces I think it would have been like the dining room more towards the front with the back right where the parking lot is I don’t know what was up with this Woman but she was absolutely off the hook yeah so then she said to me which this was going on for years on and off okay so this is like the hard part if you’ve been telling you this but yeah I had to share bed with her no matter what it was just like you got to do this you got to do that and then oh my God please make it Stop. Alright, Yeah and then I think she used to put those multi-colored like Christmas lights and like put it around the border of the window in the bedroom so it would act like a night light and also just look really pretty. Yeah and then she ends up like upgrading a little bit and being like Buying one of those like comforters you know and I think it was white Whatever it was white Yeah I mean like why would you pay so much in rent BUT You be so fucking frugal inside? I mean like what are you doing that’s what Yeah besides being Wicked dysfunctional all right but it was just like If you didn’t think people really lived like that WELL When my mom went on her own Her idea was like I don’t think fully functional I get that but at the same point she just Had to have an empty house It was like The next level of Oh My God it looks so clean oh my God it looks so amazing Oh my God I’m so controlling Oh my God I’m just about this and Oh My God Why would I let anyone else live their life it’s not like she’s even really living her life at all either so I’m like Yeah and then when we lived in Barrington she would throw a fit if I bought Deli You know Slice Deli that comes like The Sliced Deli that you get at the deli area of the shopping shop or wherever we were going I think there was a Stop & Shop there yeah and I’m just like what’s the big I’m telling you there was no where to sit it was like sit on the floor Again sit on the floor which is like not even a rug on it Nothing So I would like sit on one of the pillows all right like I’m telling you like if I could find a milk crate and put a pillow on top of it I would have did that too Yeah it’s not like I’ve never done that before here Or If I use the milk crate and put like a But on of those like seat cushions on it so then someone can step up on it or something like that then that’s totally cool too but like it’s for temporary reasons you don’t do that for a fucking forever! Not in her world nope nope it’s just all about I don’t know it’s like reminds me of you too like if Rob like just living out your really bad childhood Over and Over and over and over and over and over like a giant broken record I don’t know what Happened to her But she just like Was the biggest minimalist. She was so fucking controlling it’s so controlling about showers so controlling about everything like you couldn’t just go sleep in your own bed like I never having my own bed when I was like little little all the way to we moved out of that house in Belvedere I had my own bedroom everyone had their own bedroom everyone had their own bed But it’s only because Grandma probably set it up that way. Other than that if someone else is not doing it good luck now we got You know the brain that doesn’t activate I guess to say that or just like hey this is what I do I don’t care what you think I don’t care about you and this is what I’m going to do because I’m so stuck in my fucking way that I’m not ever going to do anything different. And you know what I’m just going to amp it up some more because I just love getting reactions out of people. Yeah So Yeah and then so I got Deli And I’m sitting on the kitchen counter now it’s like made of like Granite like this brownish golden like black granite yeah like real granite NOT the fake makeup ones right and I’m over there and just like eating it like so I didn’t have to sit on the floor but you have to stand by the window and be like nah nom nom nom yeah Just all that jazz and so I’m just like you know what I’m just like I don’t know eating it and then yeah I bought some more things at the supermarket it wasn’t like back in the day in Las Vegas where you know what I’m just stuck over here with my mom and I’m only going to eat which she brings in the house nope learn the hard way so now that I was older, I just bought some of the things out of my own pocket or if she Was putting towards the money but I don’t think she was like maybe she kind of amped it up a little bit but Who knows Yeah and then she was super controlling about showers so then I had to Like I was able to take a shower there in Barrington. Yeah and then lock the door Technically But the girl She was Obsessive! You just unlock the door right, Yeah what’s the matter you got a problem Are we having trouble ? Why am I supposed to know what this thing Yeah and so I was able to like I don’t know she just unlocked the door and then she just come in but the thing is Where is the At Barrington we didn’t have like the extra privacy Shower curtain on the outside It was just like it was just like the Clear or the frosted kind of like shower curtain the inner curtain yeah it was annoying and then I was just like Yo — What is your deal — Why do you always have to come in here like can’t its like I have to wash my hands she’s like always something you know there’s a kitchen sing GO use that so I can’t use that I have to use the bathroom sink Yeah I’m really weird and then I guess when I wasn’t home that’s probably when she took a shower you know of course she had plenty of her privacy but for me good luck we weren’t getting shit! Yeah and then there was a time I came home Oh yeah well there was a time we were supposed to go and get a job together at MGM Grand at Foxwoods all that stupid jazz right and then since she said she didn’t get the job she didn’t get a job offer that I shouldn’t take up the job offer either And I was like YO you’re just crazy cuz you know what I have an opportunity to go Somewhere and get a job and not be stuck here anymore and I need to get a car and you get out of here because being with you is just absolutely OFF the charts I don’t even know how much more time I can spend here On the door realm because you’re just out there and I don’t even know what’s up with you but you’re not changing and it’s getting worse and worse right Yeah and so I ended up getting a job and then she was mad so guess what she had an amp that up too Oh yeah well I can’t be without a car And that she was driving that silver Camry at the time Yeah that one where she went to the lot Okay yeah I need to buy a car oh but I’m getting it for my daughter Lies Lies Lies and more Lies All right yeah and then she got it under my name Okay and then When she realize the car insurance was like hundreds of dollars or something like that from GeicoShe was like Okay that has to end too and then she was the next part I mean this girl was slick She was either watching She was either watch it a lot of Suzie Ormond Or she was just like I don’t know the the most baddest Shiest-er you’ll ever meet so I was like Yo this is rediculous So that she says mate well you’re going to have to write the The Bill of sale for a dollar $1 was like you just spent how much on this car like you just spent like she had to spend at least 18 G on that car 18 Grand all right it is her well I don’t know it was only like a couple months later oh yeah you can write the bill of sale for a dollar I was like No all right and then something’s telling you like I wasn’t like a complete submissive child growing up so I was like Yo No that’s not going to work and then she’s like Well yeah I mean I got it under your name so you’re going to have to do it I mean I was just like so yeah Didn’t do it right away I think it took like a couple of weeks and then yeah I did finally get vent because guess what all she was doing was going you have to do this You have to do that you have to do this And Then I just wrote it out And I was Mad Because all I get is Used and abused Used and abused constantly and I’m just like Yo I am just like this child that was brought into the World and she’s using me like bait she’s using me like She’s useful She’s just using me because I’m there she’s just using me like a warm body that’s it like I’m not getting any hugs I’m not getting any kisses I’m not getting any birthdays out of this I’m not getting nothing there’s no acting going on in this Mom and daughter relationship whatsoever. So I’m like You know Just walking and talking And Just being so bored But at that time I don’t think I had as many books to read cuz if I wasn’t getting at the local library what was I supposed to do and Yeah and then the biggest Ultimatum was well if you’re going to go get that job then I can’t be without the car. So she had act bigger and better about everything out of the Sun and I said well I mean what’s the big deal All the rest of time we were always home Now you need a car to go where And then she’s just like well you know I can’t just be without a car and I was like Oh My God So anyway we had to drive she really had to come with me So we drive I drive one way to work and then she would drive it all the way back home to Barrington, RI so she could have the car the rest of the day that was when the gas was climbing between like three and change and $4 a gallon so yeah and since she paid the rent and she paid the Heat I had to pay the gas and she was paying the insurance and then whatever else the electric all that she’s paying constantly and I’m just looking at her like Well I mean I don’t understand how do you live life do you just constantly just like collect money and at that point I wasn’t getting child support anymore I don’t think so it was like What are you doing? So, I got plenty of money in the bank I don’t have to worry about it I’m just like I was just happy to get a job so you know what if you wanted to put those High Mandates on me it’s not like I haven’t gone through every other fucking stupid shit that you put me through anyway …So at that point I was like I’m taking that job and I don’t care I’m not looking back at all right and then she would come back pick me up And then I would I would drive home And I was just buying double the gas A couple each couple of days And then for awhile I was getting the Oil Changes done at a local shop you know one of those places that you go and they get it done like in 15 minutes or less or something like that So yeah and then she was like well what do we need to get oil changes so much for and I was Like you have to get it every 3,0000 Mi that’s just Normall don’t know in his bedroom And then I was like you know what I’m just over this So and then Like anything When you don’t Continue doing something that is a maintenance And then you’re trying to push the other person to like just Understand you look at the thing the mileage is going up you take it down then you look at the book again oh it’s over 3,000 miles or it’s getting close to 3,000 of sticker in the window like it’s a no-brainer right but guess what this a person who’s starving herself So what were we going to get out of this not much of anything So I mean like she probably just ate just enough And whatever And the whole thing was really dysfunctional and so yeah she just stopped getting Oil Changes she’s like I don’t need to go do that I don’t need to go do this I don’t mean to death I was like WOW! So, yeah I let it ride out until that car was like pretty much like I don’t know it’s making some noises under the hood And I was like YO I’m scared because I never heard cars that was that new like make that kind of sounds And like I was checking To see there was Oil on the Dipstick and stuff and NO she was not learning to do that Not At All! But she could have brought it right to the mechanic who does the oil changes what she do Soon as you put it in our hands She’s like the literally a life ruiner in the same place I came home one day from work cuz it was like night time and I think I was doing today it was daytime you’re about to go to work or something like that I don’t know maybe it wasn’t worked that day it was just like a normal day off so came home and Then when I went in the house well there’s nothing in it remember except for the one bedroom that had some things in it stocked away in the closet like you know wrapped up in like Paper or something like that or like stuffed in a bag that wasn’t like Paper or something like that or like stuffed in a bag that wasn’t like super obvious not like a handbag Just you know something that would look like it was just disheveled in there and you would never think That money might be in there so yeah I think probably like the whoever owned that building Probably did come in And Probably did steal some money but you know what she Learned! Oh no so yeah and then I came home nothing I wanted to take a shower because that’s what normal people do right they just want to like feel good take a shower get cleaned up all that jazz so I went to go in there I start running the water and then what she do starts coming in And I’m just like no I’m fucking sick of this bullshit right and then she puts the water on at the sink and she’s just like as like oh you’re right here again again she’s like yeah I have to wash my hands I’m like you’re a fucking asshole to the max like I was so mad so what I do I get the towel and I put it on and then I just like I swear to God literally just RIP the shower curtain through and completely off the Shower And I’m just like yep that’s it and then I literally stuffed it in the garbage and was like that’s thee end of that! We don’t need that no more because at this point if you want to act like that guess what we do not even need that no more since you want to play your games well guess what I’m fighting back So Yeah But it was just I guess in some ways Like really disturbing! I don’t know what Was The Issue But I guess I just realized Then Embarranton that like I was pretty much getting Or I was Being like neglected and abused like I really just Really didn’t put those Emotions and matched it to those categories because You know sort of like under the rock But also just maybe didn’t want to make those connections whatsoever and You know just kind of keeping yourself at a good distance to be like well this isn’t great This is isn’t going well But if I can just kind of Block it out of my mind yeah and I mean the thing is I probably was like Since I was like young Yum Yum like probably around The time I was in the house So like all those apartments and stuff yeah I mean like I would just quietly cry to myself at night because What was I supposed to do Especially since my stuff was always getting thrown out you know and then I used to watch I used to listen to the Eminem CD Because you know He had like really good pimped up anger and I probably had a lot of angle within myself And I just wanted it to like Be relieved Even if I wasn’t like screaming out loud or writing it in a journal I was doing my art so the art was probably just keeping you calm at a good level stuff like that But it was for school it wasn’t like I was and I also did my own some of my own art Like and doodling things like that But It was just different Yeah And so back to Barrington I ripped the shower curtain down and She was Mad and then I’m like WOW you’re mad Just Imagine being in my shoes you know just imagine it I don’t you can because you’re so stuck in your stupid way. And yeah and then I’m not sure because I yelled at her and took down the shower curtain that I was going to get major lash back and I mean major lash back All right I’m not talking about this girl she did not beat me Okay well first of all she was getting weaker and weaker So she wasn’t going to be beating nobody But thing is I don’t remember my mom really hitting me I don’t remember a lot of my childhood I’m only getting bits and pieces of it so who knows But I think she was more just a quiet type I just did everything in a quiet way And She’s just really And she did some really weird stuff too Yeah and so then I end up Coming home one day With the car I think I might did quick errands like by myself well she was of age obviously had a license and everything Yeah I came home and then she was like Oh no I went oh yes she was running the water again in the bathroom and I was like Oh My God Right that was like her mojo run the water run the water run the water run the water I don’t know just run the water that’s stupid. So Yeah I went to go check the extra closet That was closest to the door we exited from And when I went in there and when I didn’t see my things Like a couple of my things were there But the rest wasn’t Any my initial thought was Oh My God She threw out my things again right so I immediately went outside and checked the dumpster Okay but there was nothing in the dumpster So the dumpster must have got picked up and there was like nothing in it at all it was like bone clean. Oh my Oh My God, I go back inside And I’m like Okay I think I went to go check the trunk of the car like that was definitely not her mojo My grandma used to put stuff in the trunk of the car just to keep things like Not in the house But whatever Yeah it was really sad because That was the majority Of like my art portfolio. My art portfolio the zippered art portfolio was like the zippered art portfolio Was like The zippered art portfolio were still there But my yearbook that I created for 2005 like and I was the winner So I got the yearbook for myself For no charge and Like you know it was like Something that was mine that was published all right it looks like so cool and it was like a white background it was all white and had black outlines And it was like sort of like a collage Drawing And had Red, White, Black I think Gold, Yeah it was really nice and she threw something out I think I had like I had also my art portfolio slides That my teacher Mrs. Poor made When I was in High School Like my slides were missing my yearbook was missing Anna must been a bag not in the art pool not in the art portfolio And I was just like Oh My God and it was Gone GONE FOREVER I checked other closets I checked you know other places no She basically she Fucked me over Big Time and then I was like well if you did it And Guess what just stay quiet and she walked around the house and had the water running and she was just like in her own bubble probably thinking about whatever well I did what I did and guess what I got away with it again! I don’t know for some reason I just have to knock for that that’s her. So it wasLike really really sadAnd then I got really madAnd then literally the house was echoingCuzThere’s not fucking furniture in the houseAnd then I think I like slam the door shut when she was in that bathroomI mean I slammed it so hard I thought the I thought the doorNo I was going to like rip off the door. Yeah! And thenI ended up just like going downstairs and I think I went to go toLike sleep in the car that night. Which I like never did. So I was like am I am soFed upI’m so fed up I’m so fed up!! I was like I was really crying my eyes out tooAnd just like trying to listen to the radioAnd like blow my nose from like the super stuffiness and it was just awfulMean like this is what went on all the time. Her just throwing things outNever asked like so to the point was she just did itThat was what she didAnd no matter how mad or however you said it it was never going to change. There’s like I’m telling you there’s just people out there that are like life ruiners. It was just that’s how it worked and it was like oh my God….And then I remembered I like didn’t want to go back to Grandma’s apartment because that’d be like going backwards and then so I just tried to figure out something by calling I think I try to call Laura Byrum Because she lived up the apartment above her family’s house and but she had some dogs like the ones that live downstairs and then she had her own dog and she and I knowShe looked upstairs with her sister to what else but yeah and and she said that wasn’t going to work out but we did talk it over a little bit and then I think I talked toLike I thought I talked to some other friendBut I needThat it wasn’t built like that and then I was likeWhat am I going to do I cannot keep staying hereThis is just so tragic you know and like all the stuff that I will bring up but IJust don’t want to write at this moment it’s because I’m like you know what what like am I over here sitting in the carIt’s not completely dark outside because there’s also like lights lighting up thoughParking lotAnd she’s just like this and I’m not sure I don’t even want to even go there but it was just like absolutely how did this woman just skate through the entire system and never get called upon right because you know why everyone else is living in their ownBubbleEveryone else learn to turn their cheek and you know there was times where like I did look at myself. Especially when I had to I had thoseD anyway it was likeJust kind of like it was really crazy she wishes such a manipulator yeah and she knew how to play the system and she was no dummy like even though like she was you know limiting her food intake and whatever was just like that was her way of life like that all became super normal to herIt didn’t like even seem to reallyBut she didn’t like even like what it’s calledFlinch. When she started to lose some of her teeth yeahAnd I was just like soYoYeah when I had the teeth issues it was like I was seeing the dentist in Rhode Island it was only when we went out of state that I didn’t see a dentist back which wayAll right in like I think I remember going to the eye doctor a couple of times and they told me I had like floaters in my eyes something like protein it’s just like floating through I’m just like yeah okay whatever but yeah that is something that’s true. YeahBut I was never like matched with glasses at a young age it wasn’t until like I was closeCloserTo high school. It was like ridiculous my mom like did the bare minimum area in this because that’s how she was built M plus it’s not like she was building for somethingLike I am. Like ifLike I if not anything like my mom whatsoever because I was just like nope I’m not doing that nope I’m not doing this I’m going to be completely opposite of her because that’s how much of an impact it made on my lifeCuz I was like yo nopeNopeAnd first of allI didn’t even really walkI didn’t even really want kids at allI wasn’t even like looking to get hooked up with anyone so it was kind of just like a when that happened that’s when it arised you know. Oh I just never saw this happening I didn’t even Envision this I did not so yeah some people like they really envision something like oh one dayWhen I grow up I’ll be doing this and that I want to go on a trip I’m going to be this I’m going to do that No That wasn’t me whatsoeverI did like want to do a couple of things like with Australia and what’s it called remember something like you go abroadAnd you’re doing something I don’t know it’s like that and then yeah and just like basically having my freedom that is freedom was the name of the gameBecause I had so many restrictions and like or I was following all the government systems like okay you’re going to be going to school you’re going to be doing this you’re going to be doing that and then my mom got me all roped in those jobs so besides going to government school then I’m going to be going to jobs and I’m really going to be always outside the house which I guess is okay becauseThere was really nothing to do at home all right and my mom even saidIt’s their there’s nothing for you here — Simple–As that right thereFeed and sugar coat itShe didn’t sugarcoat itWhatsoeverAll right grandma over there she wants to sugarcoats and things because you know why that’s how Grandma was trained. That’s like a generational thing. All rightAnd Mom’s like yo I’m not even going to play the generational thing I’m going to be a bump on the log –I’m going to be yeah I’m going to appear that I’m dumb but I’m not that dumb all right and I’m going to have a lot of anger inside me and I don’t know what exactly happened to me but I’m going to make sure it’s going to be a fucking living hell for everybody else that’s in my realm and that’s what it felt like I think I’m going toHave to resort to typing because I don’t think I could saveThis out loudBut since the kids are up and stuff like that….

Life got really weird when I was in middle school as my mom and I were sharing a full or queen size bed, and we each had our our sides. She had the window side by the front yard and Bureau The other side with a little black side table and the window that look out back towards garden City Shopping Center. Let’s get real kids explore their bodies all of their life that’s natural and I did quite well when I had my own bedroom in the house because I had privacy but when I was in the middle school I guess my body changed naturally and I remember I got my first time of the month at school in Nevada, and surprisingly my mom got me the appropriate feminine products and that was all new to me too! I just wish things could have been different as what happened on the home front stayed at the home front… And I feel really vulnerable because it was just happening in such a slow manner like coming into the bathroom and just doing simple gentle touches like help wash my hair and then I would wash my hair out and say I had the towel all around me she would gentle nudge the towel down to see my breasts …And I remember being so quiet and just noticing how she was looking at me…It was so odd like I knew she was female but it was likeHow a man would admire someone’s rack. My mom would always brush my hair and I didn’t really have much Independence other than being at school or if she was busy doing whatever…I really didn’t know what to think as it all happened in a quiet manner then the whole time sharing a bedShe sometimes like make passive touches on my head and then down to my shoulders and armsAnd slightly smile and had admiring eyes …I kept my distance but observed how she slowly Advanced. I don’t ever remember my mom kissing my cheeks yet she did do something very different she didThe blink your eye lashes a few times onto my cheeks while kneelingAnd when she leaned back I remember her eyes were so dark that I really couldn’t read themDark brown but sort of murky…And she would do a little laugh and say how do you like that? I remember I looked at her and did not laugh and she was holding each side of me my arms and I guess was hoping for a positive answer. My answer was I looked at the window and said I want to go outside …So she let me. Most of the things in hindsight were fairly subtle yet I remember when it started a little bit younger when we’re at theBelvedere houseAnd and she would do that in her bedroom never mind bedroom. I remember just looking at her and we were both closed and we were facing each other I’m laying on my right side facing her and she’s on her left side facing each other in the middleWith some room in between. I remember just Staying quiet and looking at her and have my Binkley bunnies by the bay bunny and it was an Eerie timeIn our life as it wasn’t both of us trying to mingle and laugh with each otherJust she was trying some simple smoothing and talking really soft …And I just didn’t feel it was right so I said I got to go…And when I shut the door behind me I sank to the floor with the wall behind my back and my heart was pounding as I looked at my bunny and said Softly, “I’m not sure what that is all about but we got out of there.”

Fast forward to I think High School still at Garden City apartment complex and I would go to bed sometimes with my bra on and then wake up with the cup to the bra push back like it was tucked back and I always fell asleep within under the covers i wasn’t a person who would just throw around the blankets and that’s when I knew that wearing the bra gave me more Clues to what was really going on. We were actually playing Crazy Eights on the bed and I tell you my mom didn’t do too much smiling and quiet moments so it was a dead giveaway that something was going to go down…I remember I laughed too but the image is not being shown clearly except I think she flashed her breasts…And then I was told in another memory that I was not allowed to masturbate. Which was really direct to say to someone and we were out of the bedroom in the hall where the pantry was behind my back in the bathroom to my right with the kitty litter box at the far right of the hall…And I got mad at her saying you are not going to limit me and I pushed her back at the next wall and we had a yelling match and we went our separate ways. I guess the best way to say she must have caught me in the bedroom when she was not present and maybe when I fell asleep she was probably investigating under theComforters Because What’s boundariesOr what’s privacy…There was none! I think some more touching came to me veryTimidley on to me and I’m not touching her whatsoever this is a complete one-way street and she began to get bold to touch me in and on my intimate zones like my clit and vagina. At first it was very alarming with her fingers only and just getting really closeAnd I was so surprised because she was suchClean person always washing your hands and cleaning door knobs and light switchesSo it was like oh! Oh? And ummmm….What is she doing? Following some eyebrows now and and just like gauging like well wasn’t sure how to gauge it but honestly I was horny and I really wanted to masturbate and she always made it IMPOSSIBLE For another human being to enjoy any kind of comfort in that apartment. As time went on she tried it here and there except what I figured out she wasn’t doing it for like a good result or say a happy endingBecause one time I got really into receiving itMassaging me down there with her hands and well she noticedI liked it and the next minute she slapped me hard across my entire face. I covered my entire face with both my hands and started to cry because it hurt so bad her slapping me and she yelled practicallyScream that me as I had my face covered with my eyes were peeking between my fingers “That I am disgusting and I wasn’t supposed to like it!” I remember I was terrified by her response and I couldn’t stop crying for a long while as how do you limit someone from enjoying themselves so I explored my own body and did something for me without her around and why would you doWhy would you do something like that to another? Going from that felt sort of good and well she was only doing it to explore another (Her child) Yeah it was confusing she was doing it so I would be uncomfortable? That toxic energy level really took over that bedroom from that night out and she went cold and literally gave me the cold shoulder…She would sit with her back towards me and whatever kind of talking we did before pretty much diminished and she wrote numberShe wrote numbers downAnd wrote in neat tiny print on pieces of paper…She was in full control to exceed her limitation to not eat and wanted to try to exert more controls I mean when she was disgusted by my reaction of being touchedAnd since I didn’tWhat scream for MercyOr throw things at her to get her to get the fuck away from meShe stopped it all together. Honestly it was for the best but we still shared a bed for some years until I moved out when I got a job to escape 2:00 and I was finally 21 years old. I didn’t always sleep in my bed just that if you didn’t want a brick hard couch to lay on or the floor, I mean where is the Comfort really? I remember our cat WendyYet as time went on she rest in peaceBefore I really got out of the hands and mind of someone who had aBuilt-In worker, You do what I say but not as I do kind of modelOf bullshitAnd she had deep-seated issues and I really thought she had a personality sore like antisocial because she did show and she didn’t show any remorse when she continued to impersonate me especially over the phone, Later the internet, And she always caused chaos …Where was the empathy really? I feel like I always say I’m an ally to the lgbtq Plus Pride groupYet there was vast stigmas or let’s say it was taboo to really go against the grain. I feel like being vulnerableTo share that I tried fitting into said ‘Norms’ And well I’m breaking free from that entirely I’m going to accept who I am. I mean I have been with one sex so maybe I’m bisexual. Although I’ve been really I’m really sick of eating dick and taking it places beyond the central feel good Zone. So yeah I think I’m going I think I’m going to go on the flip side and mingle with females. Yeah so I was just saying that I had a conversation with my grandmother at Arrow Diner and north Wyndham yeah and it was really interesting and this is her we’re like just enjoying a nice breakfast together and then as we’re done we’re almost done eating she’s just like well so do you think you’re going to date other men? And then I was just like no play cuz I was likeDate other men nowI don’t want to do that and then she was just like I think she might just look took it like really generallyLike there was no wild eyes whatsoever and then — and then she’s like well how do you see a man? I read and then this is me– I see a man– and then I just kind of laughed and then she laughed too. I was just I was just so funny because like all right I wasn’t rolling on the floor laughing but it was more just like a well I mean what is what this whole thing were like all we do is go see a man all rightAnd then what procreateAnd do this do that and then some of it’s like all right so it’s just like well right now I have my Independence. I have my Independence and like I don’t really want to hook up with another guy just because you know that’s what every other woman has done all right and you know what my independence is more freeing and the things I like to research and the things I like to do is like well within what myI don’t know well within my like scope of what I like to do. What I like to convey to the world. What I like to convey to my community. You know so it’s just really like this is me! This is who I wanted to be the whole time okay. It probably didn’t have the exact labels all right but I knew I wanted to be me not someone else’s thing not this that I want to be me for some reason I had to know and be around such you know powerful and controlling peopleAnd yeah one was a man and one was a woman– okay– but one was my parent and one was my soon-to-be ex. Yeah there was some serious battles yeah didn’t always win the wars but guess what there was plenty adversities and I was able to Pivot yeah and yeah and there was a lot of painful moments of just being like super sad crying it out at night and things like that and you know like just being like I wouldn’t say I was saying my whole life it’s not fair but yeah it wasn’t fair. Was it no but like I think it was great that I had choices to like unless I thinkChoices but like I had abilities to leave the house and go to work help but then and then that’s where I was able to explore more and more meet more people and things like that do I think it’s just really interesting because play Vegas is really interesting cuz like my grandmother was just like reallyAnd then I was looking at her like yeah well– Why notEver triedThe man thing more than once so you know what who cares really I was likeCould be interesting I think that’s what I wanted to say– To her but I’m just going to get the other other part out but yeah I think she got the gist of it and I thinkAnd I think it’s really funny because I think too like GrandmaWasOne of those like great sounding boards right and like you know she was just like really great person so encompassing like always made sure she was like–I don’t know she’s always made sure you were like well fed you need anything to drink oh you can put your feet up make yourself comfortable but like in a good healthy way like she just likes being like that–So it was really nice and thenLike just nice that she likes to listen and then give some feedback. Yeah and sometimes you got really passionate about it be like but you know life is life rightAnd I’ll see the other thingI wanted to say . . . It’s a dream come true!

🙂

Originated June 18, 2026 Originally a video

#DESIGNYOURSOULE #AWARENESS

TRANSCRIPT Transferred over on August 22, 2026 at 6:00 PM

Hi everyone, this is Ashley Soule, your Global Human Rights Activist for Females Rights, and today is June 18th, 2026. So today I was doing some different research, right? And then I kind of like, you know, just like, I don’t know. I had to figure out what I wanted to do for today.
I didn’t have a designated time for my live, but I did try to get on here. on the same day. It’s just at a whole different time than I normally do it during the day. So, today’s title is Understanding Hugh Hefner, Playboy, versus Michael Andreoli, Veteran. Fantasies and Everyone is of Age, The Playing Field at Large.
And then we have a subtitle. Who Dubbed People Known as Gold Diggers and Cougars? UN Ongoing Fight for Gender Equality Let’s Go Alright, so these are the topics that we will be doing with today. And yeah, it should be really interesting in my opinion. I don’t know what to say, but this is what it is.
So yeah, I had to do like I’m doing my own personal stuff for my ongoing journaling and stuff I do on myself and rehashing my past, this, that, and everything in between. Yes, so I realized that, well, if I want to talk a little bit more about a topic that wasn’t personally going on in my own life,
But I did remember watching it on TV. I did remember seeing some of that history go on from TV or not, right? With Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Mansion and the Playboy Bunnies and all of that, right? Because first of all, Hugh Hefner had a family, right? But besides that.
And then also that he built up the magazine as a business owner, right? He was building up an empire, basically. First it started with a magazine known as Playboy like yeah it was probably like at every gas station and some you know any of the gentlemen would just be like I need
to get a Playboy magazine for X amount of dollars so I can slip that under my car seat you know under my driver’s seat and then when I’m not busy doing something else I just pull over I look at the magazine or you know if he’s a truck driver he got stashed away somewhere over there
but a lot of people had it in their car and if not they had it in their house and depending on what age you were and then you had it stashed away somewhere because it just wasn’t out in the it wasn’t just out in the bathroom it just wasn’t out in
the open no it definitely wasn’t it was like one of those things where you’re like well If it’s not a secret, I’m hiding it because I want to keep it out of the general view. So someone won’t throw it out on me, right? I’m talking in a guy perspective.
So someone doesn’t throw it out on me or two, they get upset and they start just going, and it’s just like yo this is my personal time to look at this magazine that someone did create and it’s not like I’m going on the internet and watching porn or
I might do that too but you know what I don’t have to because I have this magazine I can just oodle off of this and then some it’s just like having a daydream with a magazine right for a guy so it’s no different with like um when they came out with
the different calendars and stuff like that for that are like geared towards the men or the women. Because if the women were engaging with guys with their shirts off and they’re muscular or they were like a firefighter one or whatever the theme was, they could have been the Chippendales. It could have been the Chippendales, right?
You remember them. All right, you might not remember them, but I mean, I used to work at a casino, all right? And plus, I had some family members that just liked to go to casinos, not that we were going to see the Chippendales, but you would see a poster or like something that would say,
the Chippendales are in town now, right? And they would be all standing there like on a poster, you know, without really showing anything. And then, God forbid, you like walked by when the show was going on and it wasn’t like the doors were fully shut or whatever. And then you just be like, whoa, look at that.
I mean, so it’s just like one of those things. It’s like the Blue Men group thing. Like that was a musician type of entertainment. But, you know, we’re focusing on Hugh Hefner, who built up the Playboy magazine, right? And it first started out like, That’s what he was interested in doing.
And he made it, he made it into an enterprise, right? All right. So that’s the big story on that. And then once eventually he went beyond that, he went and got the mansion in California and he called it the Playboy Mansion. Yeah, obviously. And he was building up an enterprise. Yes, he was building up an empire.
It wasn’t just like, oh, we went from the magazine. Now he’s building it up and then some. I mean, he’s probably like, making everything and then before night they have Playboy bunnies living at the Playboy Mansion or you know whatever and then yeah and then they’re just like going
in between and whoever’s like I don’t know if it was more than one or then some and then and then whatever whatever and they just and they would just like mingle and you know Get it on and then some right and it was always like Hugh Hefner was always wearing
a robe like it was just something like that like where it just really stood out he wore like a very specific colored robe with like a design in it and it was it might have been like soft or silky or or both like a silky trim with like some sort of like
curly designs in there and la la la and it was just like I am Hugh Hefner I have made it through my entire life doing exactly what I wanted you know and I was married and I had kids and but then some and then some so whatever and then they
were called playmates and all of that and then some so he was like living out an absolute dream All right, but nobody was really complaining because guess what? Everyone was mostly, I think what I understood it, everyone was on, everyone was of age and they were not like, you know, it wasn’t like, you know,
they were just going there on their own will, right? They wanted to be a Playboy Bunny, right? And they wanted to be part of that, like, Let’s just say a Playboy trend, right? So it was just like that. I mean, from what I understood, I didn’t do like a lot more deeper research,
but like for the most part, it didn’t seem like he was constantly getting sued because a Playboy bunny felt some type of way that she got treated like shit. Because if that was the case, I mean, then it would have been all over the news, right? So yeah, I don’t know. It’s just interesting like that.
And I do remember watching a little bit on TV, like, I can’t remember if it was like VH1 or MTV or something like that or just another channel and yeah and it was featured on there of like what was going on at the
mansion and then maybe I was watching it on the internet a little bit and it might just came through the feed over time but yeah it was like something about I just looked it up What was it? Oh yeah, like he had like these pools, right?
But there was one that looked like it was more like underground or like a cave, right? And it was called a grotto, but I didn’t know that until I looked it up just recently. I was like, well, it’s called something, but what is it? Yeah, it’s called a grotto. So yeah,
and it says like if initially to get to that area of the pool, it has like a waterfall front to it. So you go through it. and then it’s more like a cave like experience and it had like a tiki torch thing
or like a tiki torch bar in there and they would have like nice parties or whatever like in the pool but it was more like more private because it just wasn’t out in the open kind of pool so i was like hmm so you can see where that went with uh how
it kept building and how they would on how he decided to build the enterprise or the empire with the Playboy Mansion and then some. So yeah, it just puts that in perspective that everybody knows about those, they call them dirty magazines, right?
And I think I remember they’re sold at gas stations, at least when I was growing up. And they were also like, how do you say that? It was like unpictated. No, that’s not the word. They were. Damn it. Jesus Christ. It was it was like pictured like when you watch certain movies that it showed that, too.
There was like other magazine names besides like Playboy, but Playboy was a big one at the time. So it was just like, hmm. Right and it was just really interesting and yeah most of the time when um certain individuals had their you know private stash you didn’t want someone else to find
it it’d be like hidden under your bed somewhere or between the mattresses right like it was like your moment of saying somehow I got this and now I don’t want anyone to really find it kind of thing right yeah because it was just
supposed to be a private moment and for you to like daydream or have your private time in your room or whatever and then just like move on right so yeah let’s just play in that perspective let’s just put it that way and um so then yeah so we
covered a little bit about Hugh Hefner I’m sure you all heard about him and then you get to learn about the guy I had a diddle with at Michael Andrioli right and so in the beginning when I knew this gentleman right now he was much older and I was much younger obviously
but that doesn’t really matter it’s just that um the backstory is I used to work at the Rhode Island State House and so did he right and I worked there many years and so did he right and he’s the doorkeeper but I also worked on the floor for Senate the Senate side, and I was the Senate page.
So the only reason you get those jobs is as long as you’re sponsored by one of your senators and only one senator can sponsor you because it’s from your town. Exactly. So, yeah. And anyway, and then eventually after some years, I was like, you know, in my early 20s. So,
It’s not like I really did anything in the beginning, but it was just like he was a socializing, just kind of sort of funny. But we talked to all sorts of people all the time. So it didn’t matter like what age you were.
We were just having a moment to socialize if that’s what we could before you go back on the floor and do more standing and watch for lights and then help people. like the senators of what they need. Like, oh, I need this paperwork. Can you get me another copy of this?
Can you go to the library, do this? Can you do this? Can you get me a drink? Can you get me this? Drink, drink, drink, drink. I mean, I’m telling you, it was like we were almost like built-in waitresses and waiters, but it was only for snacks and drinks. And then after that,
it was for everything else because, you know, it did get hot on the Senate floor, it did. So, I mean, I think they only had the built-in fans. They did not have, I mean, this is like, A state house, it’s built out of like marble. So it’s not really, it wasn’t built with like HVAC built into it.
No, not at all. It was just a whole different experience, right? And so anyway, so later on it was like, you know, at one time I went through a transition leaving my mother’s house, right? Or my mother’s apartment. And not like we ever got along that well.
So anyway, I decided that I needed to call up some friends. And of course, I had a couple of friends that said, Nope, it’s not going to work out. This, that and the third. So then eventually I went off with the person I previously knew at the state house. All right.
But I was already working another job at this time because I was like 21 and I was working at the local casino. even though it wasn’t that local because it was in Connecticut and I was in Rhode Island. So either way, but it was still within reason to travel there.
And I wanted to keep my job and so I could finally get a car of my own and just like get more independent and things like that. So, I mean, and I also left like a really dysfunctional upbringing home with my mom so I was just like whatever and so then when I finally
went to live with him um yeah eventually as time went on he was kind of just like talking about it or whatever like in a nice smooth manner and it wasn’t like he forced me into doing anything it was just more like uh well if you’re into it I’m
not sure how he really went about it but like It was just like, well, maybe we could try something out. And then I was just like this. So, I mean, yeah, I guess I was sort of like curious. I guess I was curious. I guess I was curious. Or maybe I was just like, wow, you know what?
Since I always had to sleep in bed with my mom anyway, at this point, why would it be any different with a fucking guy? So I guess that’s what I kind of thought too. And then probably was just like, well, I mean, it’s there right it wasn’t like I really delved into it like a giant party either
so I mean it was more like his fantasy than mine because if he had never suggested it I would have just never went that way whatsoever I would have been like well He’s just my friend over there. And if he needs help with some rides,
I can help him with that because he had a car and he let me drive it, right? He let me drive it by myself and he let me drive it with him in it. So that right there was trust technically, right? But then he also had a Godson. His name was Joey or like Giuseppe.
But I think for sure it was Joey, but I believe it was Giuseppe. Yeah. And anyway, Giuseppe was the Godson. And he would also be borrowing the car eventually when we moved to the 1320 Cranston Street Place. And he was actually the next door neighbor right across from there. Yep. And I think he worked at Brown College.
Yeah, he sure did. Or Brown University. Yeah, he worked at Brown University as security. Okay. Yeah, he did. Okay. And he got that good job. Wow. really like good calling right I mean he was a good security person so I wasn’t saying anything about that but yeah but Giuseppe wasn’t like he wasn’t that great
to Michael and then Michael was just so good to him and Giuseppe was like taking advantage of him basically so but whatever that must have been like kind of like one of those things where like I like if he was doing it Well, I known him since he was little kind of thing.
And, you know, like Giuseppe was his godson. So it was just like one of those things. It was kind of frustrating to overhear without trying to get overly involved because it was really none of my business to get involved technically. But at times we had to figure out when Giuseppe had the car,
And when Giuseppe didn’t have the car, and then he also worked on an overnight shift, so it was hard for him to remember, or he was just really tired, right? When he had to make sure he left the car, not in his driveway, but over here, where we lived, right across the street.
So anyway, it was just kind of like one of those things, and it’s just like, whatever, whatever. And so anyway, yeah, and then we were kind of like sort of having… I don’t really know but yeah and then they sometimes just go out and be like
introduce me to some of the different food venues that were like favorites to him or where he may have gone to eat and then he was introducing me to the people who would run those food venues so it was like Carmine Shop and the Souleetros and now Souleetros is no longer open they like they were three
generations in and they finally closed down I think a couple years ago all right because I looked it up online I didn’t go there and be like oh no it’s not open anymore right and that place was so iconic it really was um yeah it was really nice
because then eventually like I entered I think my grandma knew about that place but you know I would go there whenever I wanted to, because once I got introduced to it, I was like, oh, my God, I could get a spinach pie. I could get this. I could get that. Right.
And it was just nice to have like other options than the previous options that I may have known about through my time of traveling through the different cities and towns in Rhode Island. So it was just nice to have another option of when I’m traveling through the area with my kids or whatever later on in life,
then we could go there and do this and we could do that or, you know, et cetera, et cetera. So it was pretty cool. And then Carmine Shop, they had a real, oh, so Sub Shop, Carmine Sub Shop, they’re really nice. And I remember the lady,
they had a mom and a dad working there and their daughter and their son worked there. At one time I had the daughter’s phone number and we would talk once in a while or text each other once in a while, just like, hi, hello, how are you doing? Just kind of keep in touch.
And then she would ask me about my kids later on in life and things like that. And they always go to vacation like one time a year to I think Disney World and then another time like maybe to Italy and things like that. It was just really cool. They were really cool people.
and they made really good subs like and they make soups and everything and it was just so good and the money was worth it the money you spent on like a big grinder shop you know a big grinder sub it was just so good like you would make sure that
it got wrapped and then you could eat like a quarter or half of it and then to bring the other half home and have it another day because it was just such a good deal so I don’t know it’s just really nice and sometimes you just go and discover some new
things and that’s how it was and he was just like I don’t know let’s say generous and like nice and so I mean mostly it was a good experience so you know but you know it was just more like a I don’t know
and then it was like kind of like how I talk about like my missions like it was more like um a one-way street yeah because it was just be like well I like you he’s like I like you and it was like fulfilling his fantasy more because if he never
asked me and I just didn’t sort of go that way out of curiosity or just willingly or whatever the story is right then um I just would have never ventured that way because that was not my fantasy whatsoever and it wasn’t like I’m so curious I need to see what’s in your pants you know like that
wasn’t that really wasn’t it because I mean I was just weird and plus anyway like I mean I had grandparents growing up so I just really was never like I never really gravitated towards that at all but what I think something
bited me because it went on my leg okay but what are you gonna do about that you want to use some hydrogen peroxide you could try to use hydrogen peroxide There you go. Thank you. I love seeing y’all. Go use some hydrogen peroxide with the little cotton pad and then put a Band-Aid on it.
Hey, the brown bottle?
Yeah, honey, the brown bottle. So anyway, and yeah, I was just like, yeah, I mean, it’s like I had grandparents growing up, so it’s not like I had these like Interesting like it wasn’t like you know how you just know not to look at someone’s
pants because it’s just like don’t look at their crotch unless like you’re like really trying to eye it out but that really wasn’t it so and I think that too like maybe it was just because I had a really fucked up growing up situation with my
mother where she was just like well you know after we moved several times with from grandma’s house Now I’m not gonna, we’re not gonna get you a separate bed and I’m just gonna sleep with you in the bed and we’re gonna do this and you just,
and I’m gonna do whatever I want to you because that’s how I fucking see it. And I’m just like, oh, it’s just like one of those things. And plus it was such a, ah, not. Oh, it wasn’t like whatever my mom was doing to me was not,
technically making me cry, but at the same point, it wasn’t fulfilling, right? And then she didn’t want me to like it, because one time I liked it, good luck. The end. She smacked the shit out of me and said I was disgusting. And then I was just like, I said it can’t get any worse.
The woman throws my shit away constantly. She will not let me just be a kid. She will not just let me play outside anymore. As soon as I was like 14, she sent me to work to like not just one job, two jobs, eventually three fucking jobs. I was like, oh, please help me.
I’m telling you, I never had personal downtime ever. And if there was any, it was like I was doing homework after I went to school, work. I barely socialized. Like everyone would probably be going out. I mean, I had other friends that had jobs too, but they only worked one consistent job.
Not fucking two consistent jobs and then a babysitting job here and there on the weekends. So it was just like, oh, this is so annoying, right? So, I mean, it wasn’t a fun lifestyle. Let’s just put it that way. I mean, it may have been interesting and intriguing,
but I was always on the go and my schedule was completely booked 24-7. So, I mean, that wasn’t very fun in my opinion. It’s just that I always had somewhere to be and I always had something to look at the schedule and I just knew I had to be there.
So, I mean, I guess it taught me responsibilities quite well, right? And then when I get home from all of that, I just do my homework religiously. Yes. And then I’m just like, uh-huh. and yeah whatever and I was still a procrastinator then I mean it was some things I
was always getting done right away and other times I’m like well I got three weeks to do that blah blah blah and sometimes I cram it right to the end because it was like probably not that interesting to do and also I was just really booked all the
time so it was just like oh you know how some people are just really into like doing sports and then they’re just really booked doing that and then they still get home to do their homework and they’re just making it through trying to have a balance in their life and whatever they’re really intrigued on.
But I wasn’t doing it. My mom was sending me to all those places and I was just doing it. So yeah, it was annoying. It was like, And then when she was dealing with me right until that was the end of that after she told me I was disgusting.
And then I’m just like, well, how interesting is that? I fucking like it. I just chose to like it. And she said I wasn’t supposed to like it. Got mad at me. She was like, disgusting. And then I’m just like, what the fuck? I said, what else can go wrong here, right? So anyway,
and I guess that’s why I may have just like traveled in that direction of when he said like, hey, you know, what if we like get in bed and or you could just kind of like, and this is me going, Well, I mean, could be interesting, but it wasn’t like we were doing intercourse. No.
So, I mean, it was just really a one way street. And I guess it was more just like a curiosity factor. But after that, after a little bit, really wasn’t that much curious over it. And, you know, and it was just kind of like, hmm. No, definitely not. I mean, I mean, I guess in some regard,
we might have like hold hands here and there and could have been like a caring companionship kind of thing. But you know, that really I mean, I never really held hands with my mom. That really wasn’t it. I was definitely not that. She was not like that.
I remember one time I wanted to just like put my arm over her in bed and then the end. Cold as fucking ice. I was just like, yo, what’s up with this lady? Right? Like, so it was a very confusing time in my life. I was just like, oh my God.
And I’m just like, why is it always going to be? It was just really confusing because but It just was. And it’s just like, if I didn’t have such an odd upbringing, maybe I wouldn’t have done more odd things because I didn’t know which way to go. But it’s not like I was
like an adult and going out with like a teenager. So at least that wasn’t going on, right? And like I have children of my own now and I don’t go anywhere in that direction whatsoever. I’m just like, nope, that’s clean, cut and dry. I am the parent. I do not diddle with my kids, okay?
I’m not trying to have extra overbearing boundaries and do things that Wouldn’t seem appropriate because I had such a weird upbringing that I was like, no, no, no, no. So I try, yeah, I really try like, and even if anyone does, you know, fall asleep in whosoever’s bed,
it was just because that’s what happened and it doesn’t become a habit because that’s really hard to like sometimes like, you know like you’re tired and depends on how you’re reading the book if you’re not just sitting up you’re gonna fall asleep too so I try not to do that but I mean
that’s a kind of common thing it’s not like a really weird thing but who knows I mean anything could be weird technically but yeah um so yeah um yeah it was just weird and then also like a lot of times would just be in his mercury
Sable Car at one time until he got that other car, that crown, that blue, it’s like a boat car. It’s like a Crown Vic. It’s a Crown Vic. I don’t even know. Anyway, it was like powder blue, but first he had like a gold Mercury Sable. Yeah,
and a lot of times you just go to like one of the local parks that was like right across from Mulligan’s Island. where you do like mini golf and everything. And then it was like the state buildings over there, over that you would know it if you were from Cranston, Rhode Island.
And it would be like this big park with a lot of parking. And then it would have like baseball fields, a concession stand and like a walking track and stuff like that. So I forget what the name of the park is, but whatever. And then beyond that street would be near Immaculate Church, you know,
it was parallel to it on the other side. So it was just really cool, but not really cool because Mario was like, hey, let’s hang over here. And then, you know, it wasn’t like he was like trying to eat me out. It was like, why don’t you try eating me out? And then I’m like, hmm, right?
So, I mean, it was just kind of like a, hmm, I don’t know. It’s just really, no. I didn’t really I mean it wasn’t like it was exciting let’s just put it that way like it wasn’t exciting two-way street I really don’t think so I think it was just
a moment where if he could have some fantasy um per se a little downtime for fantasy then maybe she’ll go towards it even if it’s just on his pants and you know what that could be just enough to be like I could have enough daydreaming experience there and then And that’s it.
She didn’t even have to be skin to skin. And then I’m just like… Yeah, so anyway, it was not. I mean, I don’t even remember if we were kissing. Ugh, my goodness. I don’t know. I’m just, I’m just really like, ugh, whatever. And I think there was definitely some holding hands and I think there could have
been kissing like, you know, face to face. But yeah, whole thing like down there with like being oral and all that. It wasn’t, I would say, there was a time where it was skin to skin and then I was just like, nah.
and then there was a time where he wasn’t even really requesting it but it was just more like on the pants and then some and I’m just like so no no no no no so anyway it wasn’t really like and then eventually it was just like I think sometimes we
would like lay in bed with each other and whatever whatever but it wasn’t anything that big just be like watching a movie and stuff like that so I mean I don’t think that I found that to be gratifying to remember those memories whatsoever and it was
just kind of like and then I think too like when he had a discussion with me and this that and the third and I agreed with him but I think it still made me kind of sad because this was just the ongoing trend of I think that was just like the continuous cycle of fucked up mom.
And I wouldn’t say Michael was completely fucked up. Right. But it was more just like, hmm. I mean, I could have just said no. And I don’t think he was going to like say sayonara. That wasn’t it. No, I think it was just like, well,
and since I did go in that direction and try it out I guess it was more like I was curious but afterwards it wasn’t like I was going after him and being like I need to see your dick I need to fill you up I need to do this I just want to kiss you no
that really really wasn’t it at all so I mean it was like maybe when he wanted to like mingle or whatever then I kind of just like fit the role but it wasn’t like I was doing it out of like a giant ass fantasy like oh I’m intrigued and I’m
absolutely I don’t know how to describe it like it wasn’t I don’t really know what to say but I mean so anyway since that memory did get unearthed and I did write about it somewhere in one of my meditations I know I did write it willingly And I think that afterwards, after I had to…
I still had to process memories over that. And so I’m just really upset about it. And just like really not liking that I can see more of those memories here and there. But there’s also other things that… I’m just so tired of like constantly going through my memories and I just didn’t
want to remember that it was just so nice to not remember that and now anyway so I was looking up the information because I couldn’t really remember how old he was I know he was like I know he was definitely a senior citizen at that point so if you
think that I was like thinking he was younger than his age that was not it no I found his obit online and he died in 2016. No. He died in 2015. His son, who had the same name, died in 2016. Yeah. Anyway. So, he died in 2015, and he was born in 1929. Yes. Okay?
And it was probably around 2008 to 2009, somewhere around there, where we, like, diddled with each other. I was just like, you know? And so, that would put him at 79 or 80 years old. And I’m just like, ugh! I’m just telling you. So, anyway. Ugh. So like, I don’t know.
And that, and I was like 21, 22 at that time. So whatever. And I remember just like, I don’t know. It was just not, it wasn’t that exciting that when it came to the level of just going out and like having lunch or whatever, that was okay. Like that was totally kosher. What are you doing in here?
How’s your boo-boo? Can you go because I’m having a discussion, that’s that. What about it? It’s the map. And they just go, I’m doing something. So yeah, it wasn’t very fun. I don’t know. Maybe I can remember more memories. I remember we went to another restaurant and we would get Italian soup. It was really good.
I don’t know. It was just interesting in that regard. I guess he would sell I think he would tell some good stories and I was probably intrigued on that and but when it came to like that more physical end of it it wasn’t really a big grab
let’s just put it that way yeah so anyway that’s one of my personal story about going towards that direction at one time And I mean, like, let’s just put it in this perspective. Let’s do the math on that. Let’s just put them at 80. And I was like, what? 21. Well, there we go.
It was 59 years older than me. So, I mean, but I mean, in this regard, we also have to put in perspective that, you know, and we have Hugh Hefner, and then we also have Michael Andrioli, right? Now, after Michael Andrioli and I did no longer had done any more business or like
little bit of sexual relationships anymore, and we just kept it a platonic relationship from there on out was that Michael Andreoli didn’t continue to entice ladies of age that were significantly younger than him that would continue to come over the house and do whatever he or they decided to enjoy each other. So that wasn’t going on.
It was just like, well, we tried that and we just knew that wasn’t going to work out and it should just end. And that was agreeable. Even if it was a little sad, it was just like, well, this is what it is. And then I just accepted it. And so did he. And then it worked out.
But he was the one who really initiated it and also ended it. And I was like, well, thank God. Right. But it was just I don’t know. It was like a lot of mixed feelings because I was also a lot younger. and now I’m 39. So this is a big difference.
But yeah, so I thought the one I was with that was 19 years apart was a big deal. Well, guess what? Since I kind of forgot about this hidden memory here. Yeah, that one was at the time 59 years apart. I was just like, but I mean, we have and then he was born then.
My mom was like, what? Born in 1960? Right? And then I was born in 87. So, yeah. And then it was just like, What do you say? Oh. 27. 93.
96.
This doesn’t really make sense. How does that work? I think I should have done the other way. 96 minus 60. 6 and then 36. So yeah, I don’t know. So it’s just like one of those things where you’re just kind of like, when you realize that you didn’t,
that you had a significant different background growing up as a child, and then you wonder why sometimes People make decisions to go towards things that are like, well, he’s not underage. He is of age, but he’s just significantly a different age of over the age, right? He’s legal. So am I.
So it wasn’t like I was not of age and he was not of age. No. So it was just like one of those things. And the same thing with Hugh Hefner. It said here, everyone is of age, the playing field is at large. So, I mean,
if you just look at in that perspective is that they were building an empire with the Playboy and the Playboy Mansion, the Playboy Magazine, all right? And if I was to put it into that context and say, well, Ashley, you just took an avenue with said older man, right?
And, but you also said, if it wasn’t like you went towards it, Like you led it and you said, hi, Mike, I’m interested in you. Can we diddle? That wasn’t really it. So, but since he kind of like whatever, and I guess I was so used to being like placated or almost like guided into those
directions since that was like my normal lifestyle, even though I may not really agreed with it. My mom, it just became the norm. like this is what we do and it’s just like oh so anyway it may have been frustrating when I was a teenager but then eventually it was just like whatever who
gives a fuck right and then um so then when I went in that direction I wasn’t like I guess I was sort of curious and he was mostly generous and he was mostly nice right and I didn’t really get like super bad vibes from him whatsoever but you know when it came to just like
Venturing to that part, it was kind of like, nah, no, no, no, no. It wasn’t that interesting. I don’t know. So yeah, it was just weird. And so I had an experience with that. And then eventually I went into another relationship right after that,
like besides dating a couple other people that were more like of my age and a little bit younger. And it was just like, It was all right. It just didn’t have a lot of depth. Like, you know, like when you don’t seem to, I’m just not saying those people and like the person,
whoever I was dating and myself, it just like, we didn’t have a lot to talk about. And then two, I don’t think there was really a connection where it made me go, I want to go that direction as much as he might’ve wanted to go with that direction with me. And so I was just like, ugh,
Nothing really sparked, let’s just put it that way. It wasn’t like a big sparking experience. So I don’t know, I just didn’t really go towards that connection at a high rate, but I definitely did try to go out and do the dates in general and just have the mingling social time, which was pretty nice in my opinion.
But then after that, I started going strong with My ex, who my now ex is, right? Yeah, for some reason we had a connection. Wow. And we went right at it, like in a sexual manner, like right away. And then some. So, yeah.
So anyway, it was just like one of those things where everything is a live and learn situation. It really is. And if I had just made my decisions accordingly, as best as I could have when that that next relationship became stronger and but
then afterwards I ended up getting pregnant with my first child so it was like I do not want my thoughts were I do not want to be a single parent like my mom first of all my mom pushed my dad away so or whatever the situation was and she she had she did parent alienation
And then my dad eventually just gave up after he did everything he possibly could. And she was like, well, if that’s the case and I can’t see my daughter, I’m just going to leave. I’m going to get like a thousand miles away. I’m going to leave my job. I’m going to do this. I’m going to do that.
I’m going to start somewhere else completely over. I’m going to go find some happiness somewhere else because this isn’t working. You know, it was just like that. And it was just really unfortunate. But you know what? I guess that’s what my mom was about. Just not really keep the family kind of thing together. She just wanted to
Be a divider, you know, like how our country is divided. Yeah, she’s just a divider. So I’m just like, oh, anyway, this is the best way to describe it. And then. So, yeah, and so I didn’t want to be a single parent like my mom. And also, I just felt like I think sometimes, too,
and you’ve had a tumultuous background that you either strive to go towards having a family or you strive to see if you could meet that challenge and make it work. So it could have been one or the other. Yeah, totally. Yes. Uh-huh.
And then I discovered that there was a lot of and this and this and this and that and a lot of just stupid stuff going on. And I was speaking up a lot of times in this, that, and the third, but whatever, that’s history now. Boop, bop, beep. Exactly. So yeah, I mean, as anyone gets older, right?
And we’re talking about specifically men who are older, you know, older than 40, older than 50, or as old as they want to be, right? And they’re like, well, I could be going out with someone of my age, but you know what? That person doesn’t look as appetizing.
you know that one doesn’t seem as appealing I mean they may have a lot to talk about or they might not have a lot to talk about but if I was to get and see if I can flirt with a younger gal of age then I would find something more interesting
because now she looks very appealing and there’s a lot to look at it’s not just me looking at my Playboy magazine whatsoever or a sexy calendar now I’m seeing it right there real life all right I might even be able to smooth her hand or smoother hair.
I mean, she just looks like so phenomenal in front of me, something like that, right? You know, and it’s just like more of a fantasy mindset of saying there’s just a lot more to look at. Let’s just put it that way. And it’s just so fucking annoying, but that’s really what it is because, I mean,
it’s not really fucking annoying to them. It really isn’t. But that’s how I don’t know. I mean, if the female was looking at the older gentleman, like if he was 59 years older than you, then I guess you would gravitate towards those features, right? You know what? I see this person beyond their physical self.
If that’s the case, it doesn’t matter Technically, as if you were of age and you saw this person beyond their physical self, right? You’re seeing them for the depth of who they are and there’s a connection and it’s derived in that manner, then that’s okay, right?
But if it’s just a one-way street and someone’s just like, she’s listening to your stories, It may not be a one-way street in that regard, right? But then he is going towards it like out of lust. And I don’t know, if you’re going towards it,
it might be just because you fell into his lap and that was just something that you did. I don’t know. I hate to describe the picture like that, but like, I mean, it’s a realistic thing. Did he fall into your lap or did you fall into his lap? It was just a convenience thing. He was available.
So was you. I don’t know. It’s just confusing in my opinion. You know, it might be just like a pattern in your lifestyle. Like, well, it may not be as easy to go with someone of your age or a little bit younger or a little bit tiny bit older, but now you’re just at this huge significant jump
and you know but if you’re of age and you said yes and he’s he said he asked the question and you said yes that is consensual right so it’s really just an agreement between you two right until it’s not an agreement anymore then that’s a whole.

different story right if someone changes their mind they just keep it moving on but I mean it’s just one of those things where I don’t know what to say anymore it just gets old so and then the other thing is too like if it was my personal opinion
I wouldn’t want to go like that like I previously did when I was a lot younger I wouldn’t want to have Such a giant gap like that. I mean, I thought 19 years apart was pretty large, but I think that’s because we were complete opposites of each other, too,
where there was just so much strife and not being on the same page about a lot of things. Yeah. All right. And then it was just like something like that. And I mean, this is like one of those things where it’s like, and also with the one-way streets of older gentlemen going towards the younger females,
it’s just that, hey, look, there’s more to look at with her. There’s more to fantasize with her. I can just Enjoy more of her, of whatever I’m doing with her. Depends on how old you are too, right? And then, you know, and if not, she can definitely fulfill my fantasy.
She just fall into my lap and she can do whatever, you know, as long as she doesn’t get a dildo and stick it up my ass, it’ll be okay. I mean, I don’t think that’s their fantasy whatsoever, right? But then as soon as like,
they can get their needs met with their the front of their pants everything’s all good like that’s the only big drag it’s just to be like hi it’s not my chest it’s not my face it’s not my arms it’s definitely not my feet or my legs or my butt or
my back it’s just right here the ding yeah that’s all it is so If that didn’t exist, they wouldn’t be going towards you. They’d just be going towards you to be like, wow, she is beautiful. i need to touch her hair and i need to touch her arms and i just want to sit near
her and i want to flirt with her and and i want to have a nice meal with her and i want her to cook for me and i want her i want to see how she cleans the house near
me and i want to be near her when the duster’s near me and you know i can’t wait to watch a movie with her and throw my legs over her legs and right or have like a Blanket over each other and I could just like you know but if his member didn’t
exist down there right he would just be amazed by her structure and her physical attract in her and his physical attraction towards her right and then she’ll just be like oh look at that someone’s like I’m like a little pet with this guy And if she’s into that, then she’s into it, right?
Because she’s just that’s all she really wanted. She didn’t want to suck dick and she didn’t want dick up her ass. And, you know, and thankfully maybe she had gone through that and she never wanted to go through that again. So that’s why she’s with this older gentleman, because, you know, he tells nice stories.
He treats her nice. Right. He doesn’t even have a dick. All right. And we’re not talking about trans people. We’re just talking about like if he didn’t have a member, down there there was nothing to reveal beyond the zipper it was just like Blake
like an alien then or he was just like you know um not an alien but like uh what do you call those things the models you see at the store yeah those those the model things right and you’re just like oh look at that there’s nothing to be revealed
if they were wearing pants or shorts or something like that. Yeah. And then just be like, well, there it is. And then he’s just like, I like when she cooks for me. I like when she sits next to me and we snuggle and we have a blanket over each
other and we watch the movie or we watch a fire. And, you know, when she drives the car, she’s just so beautiful. I can’t get my eyes off for her. And so it would just be like something like that where it was just like, oh, my gosh.
and she might talk nice to me and she might make me laugh and I don’t know it’s just like that like it would be more neutral and maybe they kissed all right maybe they kissed and they hold hands and that was like the essential relationship right
and then he would just spend money on her and and and she’d be okay with that she’s just like oh I’m taking care of everything’s okay right so It could just be like that, right? I just kind of gave you like a little hypothetical and I don’t know. And so it was just interesting. And so anyway,
now let’s get into the story about who dubbed people known as gold diggers and cougars. So, I mean, has anyone heard of this thing where like people just be called gold diggers? And it’s just like, yeah. And usually a woman would go
with a man who had a financial status right he was like rich and she was securing financial status and she wasn’t doing it out of love right so I guess that’s basically what the essential is for gold digger and also a cougar would be a woman
who’s like a certain age like I said around like 40 and then they go Seeking out a man that’s a lot younger, but yet still of age, right? And would have like a sexual relationship or a sexual fit. I don’t know, just a sexual relationship with each other.
And apparently it was like named after that, but they said it was also like the word Puma. And then I’m just like, I don’t know really what that’s about. But I mean, I’ve heard of it. It’s not really like a big drag one way or another.
and then of course most people just heard too like oh that’s my they’ll call each other like baby mama baby daddy and that’s just because they’ve had offspring with each other and they’ll be like just instead of saying the other person’s name they’ll just say that’s my baby daddy and if that’s more like if they were on
friendly terms I think I don’t think it would be like I hate that person I still call them a baby daddy but I don’t know it’s to each their own it’s not like I ever refer to my ex as the baby daddy whatsoever. No.
I just say that’s the ex or we call him him or we call him that. It’s just no one calls him baby daddy. No. And then there’s other people that call baby mama. It’s just because pretty much you’ve had offspring with each other and that’s what it’s all about basically. And then…
The UN has the ongoing fight for gender equality. Yeah, well, you know what? I was just looking into it saying that I wanted to look into the UN more, which I started to do because after I was looking at the previous website. I looked at the previous website with Plan International. I went into the database,
human rights policy database, but I couldn’t find things for the reproductive rights. I mean, some things did pop up, but it wasn’t. No, it wasn’t the same thing. So then I was just like, huh? So anyway, Then I went on to the UN website and I said, the portal to the work of intergovernmental bodies. Yes.
And it looks like it’s igov.un.org slash home dash page, right? And then you go to General Assembly and you go to the plenary. The plenary? And the plenary shows you Different options, meetings, agenda items, documents, resolutions, decisions, proposals. Oh, I don’t know. And so I was thinking… I don’t know. And then I noticed they have… No.
Stop it. How are you supposed to see when they have meetings? So they have meetings like… They have meetings like every day, Monday through Friday, and it’s usually at 10 a.m. or 3 p.m., or 10 to 3 p.m., you know? So that’s interesting in that regard. And like some of them on here, like,
Like some are already predated so June 25th, 2026 Thursday at 3pm they’re going to have informal consultations on the progress declaration of the high level meeting on improving global road safety conference room one. Wednesday, June 17, 2026 at 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Informal Consultations on the Political Decoration to Renew Commitment and
Accelerate the Implementation of the New Urban Agenda Conference Room 6 So there’s all these different things going on Most of them are informal consultations or informal meetings. Yes, they are. Some of them are preparatory process. Monday, June 15, 2026 at 3 p.m. Preparatory process for the high level meeting on pandemic prevention,
preparedness and response and presentation of the zero draft of the political declaration. Conference Room 6. So, yeah, it just gives you a little perspective of what to look at. But I was also looking to Well, where are you? Slow as fuck. Oh my god. Whatever. Just go. What the hell’s your problem? Oh my goodness.
Well, where did I see it? It showed the UN president.
Oh my goodness.
Where are you? My eyes are like blurry. Oh my goodness, here it is. Where’s your name, girl? There she is. to preserve what the UN has achieved since 1945, to renew our United Nations, to make us, the UN, fit for the future, fit for the purpose. This is the task of our time. Better Together, H.E.
Ms. Annalena Baerbach, President of the General Assembly. So, my thing was, how? I’m not really sure. I just don’t understand how it doesn’t make it simple. How can you submit a document or try to submit like a bill to the United Nations General Assembly? Because if you can do it within your states,
where I live in the USA, then how does someone submit something like that? I haven’t figured that part out yet. I have been trying to look at the website. Oh no. I really don’t know yet. I don’t know. There’s a lot more to look at with this website. It would be interesting to look at allies in action.
It’s under the editorial series at un.org slash en slash peace dash and dash security slash here dash us slash allies dash in dash action. So it says here allies and allies in action working with and for young people all around the world allies in
action are working hand in hand with young people from youth led groups to civil societies to the United Nations together they are creating space for youth voices lifting their solutions and bringing their leadership to the global stage let’s meet the voices behind the impact mm-hmm so That’s very interesting.
UN University Center for Policy Research, positioning youth to showcase their contributions. Youth, young people are essential to lasting stability, but now how do we move from token inclusion to meaningful partnership? The UN University Center for Policy Research, which led to the 2025 Peacebuilding Fund thematic review on youth and peace and security shares its key takeaways.
There’s something called Everyday Peace Builders Oh yeah, I decided that I might dye my hair earlier than expected So yeah, if you see me doing anything like pretty wild and I suddenly have really colorful hair, now you know I don’t have it right now. My hair is just dark brown. So whatever.
I’m just like, well, I could do something different. Because you know what? I can. And since I live with a lot of freedom in the USA, I should just take advantage of it and do more freedom stuff all the time. And since tomorrow is June 19th, more freedom is coming our way. Right, everybody?
Because June 19th is all about freeing the slaveries from freeing the slaves. our American history, right? You know, especially when the Emancipation Proclamation came out with Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. And then the reason we have June 19th of June, Juneteenth on June 19th is because as the slaves were being freed,
it took over two years for Texas to come for the people who were slaves in Texas to be freed. Yes, it took two more years because obviously they didn’t have telephones or something like that. Like, oh my God, the word’s out! Free the slaves! Free the slaves!
And they went from absolutely nothing to like running on their own and being like, yee-haw, I’m no longer a slave! Yes, that was the best part. So same here. You know, that’s how someone went to the General Assembly, you know, somewhere in the America, you know, probably Congress or our assemblies in our state.
And then eventually went through all the cycles and then it went up and then it said, let’s just make it a holiday where we honor this amazing part of history. So we have to put that out there because that’s a huge part of our history that did get defeated.
And now we’re still working on the human trafficking part that still exists in this world. But either way, the milestone is June 19th is coming up tomorrow on Juneteenth. It’s a holiday. There’s no school. There’s like some places are not open whatsoever. Right.
And we honor that because that is a significant change that happened X amount of years ago. Right. In our history. And just in the past few years, they implemented Juneteenth. Not like it happened some time ago. No, this was like just in the past couple of years. It was like, how what about we do this?
And then I’m just like, yeah, what about we do this? Right. So it’s just really cool that it exists and it’s real. Like that was really part of our history. And now it’s actually on the calendar. to be honored in that regard, to look back and say, at one time,
this was a real thing that did go on, and then two, it got extinct because of who? The President, Abraham Lincoln. Yes, he’s on the penny. Oh, he’s on the penny. He’s on the $5 bill. Yep, he sure is. So yeah, thank God to that guy, because most of the other presidents were just like, whatever, slaves, slaves,
mish, mish, right? And then this was him like, no, no more of that. He didn’t even do that many executive orders. Now, if you think about like our current president, Trump, he just bilks out executive orders constantly. Like that’s his main mojo. Yeah, but when Abraham Lincoln was in presidency,
I don’t even think he more he might have wrote like just a couple of them or that was the only one like they were just barely used like that it was more like a real strong hole to use an executive order right so that’s really cool everyday peace
builders let’s look this one up 20 years of peace building 20 years of impact Everyday people everywhere, teachers, farmers, police officers, volunteers, human rights activists are helping to rebuild their communities from the ground up, up in the aftermath of conflict and crisis. They work to improve lives, prevent the recurrence of violence, and secure lasting peace.
So yeah, if you want to read more about that, you should go to un.org slash Yeah, I’ll add the link to my podcast so then you’ll be able to find it very easily. And guess what? Then it’ll just be like, wow, look at that! The links are right there. Clickety-click, click, click. Yeah, you probably could just say,
if you’re doing your research or anything like that from the Grassroots Movement and then some with Design Your Soule, you could be saying well this girl she’s been sharing this female’s been sharing a lot of information her name is Ashley Soule and she’s a global human rights
activist for females rights and I’m also fighting for true gender equality and social justice but you know my main gig is females rights at this time so and it’s just like one of those things like if you’re doing research for anything you could look at my podcast and you could reference it Right,
because I’m also referencing information from other references if I have links associated with the podcast and things like that. And then also you could be like, well, in current events, I’ve learned through the grassroots movement, Design Your Soule, that it is a growing grassroots movement. It’s a growing females driven grassroots movement.
And it’s also mentioned as the happy medium. All right, and then also the full acronym for that is females fight for the happy medium. Yes, they do.
And then there’s also stop human trafficking for good.
Yes, there is. All right. And then there’s Operation XXX. That was kind of like on the side, but not really, because once policies do change in the world from at default of females to at default for males, guess what? The world is changing. Just like this fire is behind me. We’ll just keep adding the wood.
It will keep burning hot. It will still supply heat. But you know what? Everything will be significantly different. Exactly. Just be like, wow, we went from one shoe to the next? Yeah, but in a good way. Yes, in a balanced way. You’re just being like, wow, I’m so balanced. Just never saw this happening before my eyes.
You know, it’s just be a whole different experience. So yeah, I think that me broadened my horizons a little bit by looking at the other information and processing more information from my past and doing this, this, this, this, this and everything under the fucking sun. Well, guess what? Has brought me to newer light. Of course it has.
yeah and it would be nice to have like the actual campfire was real right now and I could put my little toasty hands up to it and be like oh that feels so nice and I hear the fire crackling and then some yeah that would be pretty nice but last time
I was in the woods two ladies decided to shoo me away all right I didn’t run away right off the rip but they were like oh you can’t have a fire in the woods that’s illegal it’s just like you know all right nothing against you ladies but
it’s just like that’s not true so whatever and since you have a big property and you have a house just be happy that you have all of that because you know it takes abilities to have a house for one and two i know you want to protect your
investment and my fire wasn’t going beyond the rocks so everything was okay so if you don’t like it just say it i don’t like you doing a fire in the woods Just say that instead of just talking all around it. You know, maybe that’s just how we’re built to do everything.
Be so indirect or just talk around it. Just say what’s on your mind. Just say it. I don’t like you having a fire in the woods. Really? Yeah. And the last time they called like the cops or the fire department, they didn’t say I need a fire.
They didn’t say I need a permit to burn and they didn’t say it was illegal. and there was no private signs telling me I couldn’t be there so it was just like they was just like well we just have to do our due diligence and put the fire out
and I said well I put it out had plenty of water didn’t matter they had to do their due diligence because they got their own orders and I said okay so anyway it’s just like anything if you’re done as a competition in the world to do anything
You just found out it’s also a competition of just trying to have a fire in the woods. Just like that. So, whatever. And then we’re talking about peace builders. Well, it’s like, if I’m not really bothering you, and the fire’s not spreading in the woods, then what was the problem? Well, obviously there was a problem, so whatever.
It was just like, well, it’s annoying me that you’re there and I don’t want you there anymore. Just say it like that. I don’t want you in the woods anymore. Can you just go home now? Oh, okay. Sure. I’ll go home.
Or I’m not going home until my fire is good and ready and when I want to go home. So it could go either way, right? But yeah, I was ready to go home. So it was okay. Whatever. So anyway, I wanted to play one video. That’s from the United Nations website.
And I’m going to do that right now. So listen up. So yeah, that’s un.org slash en slash global dash issues slash gender dash equality. So yeah, I think that was a really cool video. Instead of having me do all the talking, once in a while someone created this video and it was a little over three minutes
and it really just portrayed a lot of history about how we as women rights fight for gender equality. and that’s the ongoing issue that’s been going on forever and ever and ever and of course men who find it so empowering that a female is going all gung-ho or a
grassroots movement is going all gung-ho over it it just almost gives them like this wow look at the giant competition Let’s see if we can approve that one too because absolutely it just amazed me how these females exactly were so empowered that I must let them have it now. Yeah, exactly.
But it’s just like that constant stepping up thing and I guess that’s like how we all generally see it. is that we must fight, we must rally, we must petition to then persevere, persevere, persevere, persevere, and all of that, right? To then push through so much, then eventually you just get it. Yeah, that’s the general mentality, true.
I mean, to a certain extent, but I mean, when it takes like 100 years, it just ends up exhausting that whole generation that went through it, right? But at the same point, the mentality is if that person or those groups of people could go to such an extensive level, right,
that they did it to open doors for the rest of the generations to come. So overall, it’s a really phenomenal experience overall. It is. Yeah. So, yeah, we covered a huge topic. It went over understanding Hugh Hefner, Playboy versus Michael Andrioli. of veteran fantasies. Everyone is of age, the playing field at large.
Who dubbed people known as gold diggers and cougars? UN ongoing fight for gender equality, let’s go. So yeah, I mean I covered a lot today with, you know, having other things that may have been not discussed. and other things that have been discussed and a little bit more with detail and
with like honesty you know personally on a personal level what’s the story that was personal to me and then relating it to a story that was going on in history with Hugh Hefner right and just saying that he built up an enterprise and then he built up an empire yeah
but he was like living within the empire too it wasn’t just like he built it up and he was completely removed from it so yeah and just gives you different perspectives of like well was it continuous well with Hugh Hefner it was a continuous effort and
with Michael Andrioli it was just something he tried or something we tried and then it didn’t last that long and then it and then we were just platonic friends after that and all of that and all of that right And it didn’t continue to be like a pattern that he just continued to get significantly younger women,
significantly younger ladies in his realm and continue having those experiences. It was just like, well, I had an experience. It was a moment where and there and now I’ve moved on, right? I’ve just accepted that I am who I am and that’s it. And I’m not seeking it out everywhere.
I just had that and then that was it. Anyway, Hugh Hefner, he was a businessman and he built up a magazine known as the Playboy and so forth and so forth. So anyway, it just gives you a little bit more of a perspective of some things. If everyone’s of age and they’re consenting to it, then
and you just have an experience, right? And then you just live and learn from those experiences. Either it was at a Hugh Hefner level at the Playboy Mansion or it was a personal level and you tried something on a new path and you just learned that it wasn’t a great match.
And then that’s why neither of you continued to do it, correct? Yep. And even though this information was unearthed kind of like unexpectedly and then some, that, you know, I’ve been trying to work through it a little bit better. And, you know, it’s just taking us time.
And it’s just one of those things where it’s like, it was such a blip. It wasn’t even really a blip on the map until I guess it really like struck me. And then I was just kind of like, eh, I didn’t wanna remember that. And it was just like one of those things.
And I mean, it’s really hard to say And it’s really not, now that I do remember it, I wish I just didn’t remember it kind of thing, right? That’s really what it came down to. But anyway, I figured out that it’s not really that… I’m not really sure what I figured out.
But the thing is just like, well, I think it also goes with that patriarchy social system where In generality, like I just said, the other segment was if he didn’t have his privates in his pants and he was just like a dummy or a model from like that you see models in the stores and they’re just dressed,
but you don’t see anything really significant, you know, and all that. So then it’s just like that. It would be like more mutual because Whatever and whatever I really don’t want to talk about that anymore and it’s just kind of like that and then um and then other things like with the gold digger and
the uh cougar everyone’s still of age so that puts it on the same playing field too it’s just that some reason they came up with these like nicknames or like a tag name to say inner code words of being like, oh, you’re that, you’re this. So it’s just like that. But I mean,
it just depends on how you take it, but it just gives a generality of why that happened and why they’re there, right? And then also I just did the thing with the UN and I’ll be doing some more information about that. And I would like to get some information or a document sent over to the UN
but you know have a really extensive website and of course they don’t seem to make it very easy to understand how you would submit said document so unless you do it if you do it through your state and then it gets sent over to the United Nations
but like it shouldn’t really have to be that way because I’m a human rights activist so I should be able to send it regardless Somehow, someway. So yeah, I’ll have to figure that out, part two. Part two. All right. So today’s June 18th, 2026. I hope that you found this live,
this TikTok live and this Design Your Soule podcast interesting today. And I will be back tomorrow. I haven’t figured out the time yet. But I didn’t set a schedule yet, but since nobody was really like, let’s see, signing up for it, I don’t think it really matters if I have a schedule technically. But yeah, I mean,
I could set up a new one soon and then have a more consistent effort towards it at those particular times. But at this time, I don’t have any particular times on the calendar, so you’ll have to bear with me because that’s just the way it rolls. So it’s all good. So anyway, signing off. It’s June 18th, 2026.
Have a good evening, everyone. It was nice speaking with you.

Now on Board with LGBTQ2++

Originated on December 18, 2025

Adding article on August 21, 2026

Transferred on August 22, 2026 at 11:55 PM

I don’t know something different happened when I copy and pasted this Title and when I re-copied it just showed the title itself. Also, I did try doing the reverse button except it wasn’t going away but some of the images above were just getting smaller. . .so then I pressed on Forward so it could back to its original state of well initiating That I acknowledge this and let’s try this out.

My guess is to release memories from 9+ and beyond as well as trying to recreate images to relieve this situations altogether. . .perhaps it correlates.

Plus, I recognize most of the images except that last One is that to spell out ExTra ? I’m not even sure what that even derives from if it links to a certain subscriber or music.

Anyway, to the meditation I did the 3 sets of breathing in with tensing up your body to release the tension as you breathed out . . .the difference of this morning was I did 30 reps on the ab workout machine and did 90 of that unit that helps with your thighs, kegels and more. I really like it. I don’t always do 90 yet that seems to be the medium at this time.

So, I didn’t feel as much tension let’s just put it this way — I was a bit primed up as of right now.

I saw images going across from the right to the left. I don’t really remember the first image maybe referenced an envelope but not really sure. Then it was a small wooden box that just looked like wood and had a slight resemblance of showing stars being burned into the wood . . .going into a circle perhaps relating to getting close to the 13 colonies. I didn’t get to count the stars but I recognized it could be related to that.

Plus, the box didn’t open and then it continued on to the left out of sight.

I am laying on my side facing another lady that I am interested in — she is also laying on her side. There is space in-between us and I am gently smoothing my hand at her face to her shoulder, arm and then lift off by her hip. She is peaceful and as a touch her she is receiving it well. She closes her eyes to feel more gentle touches and it was just really nice.

I envisioned the pyramid and remembering not so much the glass box, the astral tunnel or whatever I remembering it from the outside with the sand and the blue skies without a cloud in sight! Plus, how the Egyptians were creating those pyramids with their own might human power and more. Sort of trying to figure out how they created such a space —like did they envision what it could be from the inside before or after the built the entire structure from the outside. I really don’t think they were doing this to get paid either it was just I exist in the world and this is the mission we are on to Hope to God they finish before going out. Honestly, I like to find a picture of a pyramid and create a new board for my TikTok Live and I may consider having my chrome book run too on video to do two videos at once for my podcast as well as TikTok Live. My thing is Substack makes video clips that I can download and share to my other medias to lead you back to watch the entire video via my main hub website. Since this is a Journey in itself, most likely a running live documentary and more, right? Well that is how I see it. Therefore, I don’t technically need to get newer equipment to still accommodate for the people …did I just access a portal of intelligence, a wow factor or Did My Multi-tasking skill set come back from dormant mode? That will be your guess!

I saw the tops of these flat package packs of Macaroni Salad it had light green and some writing and showed the spiral pasta …think of those packets you see for Chicken of the Sea because usually I have seen that other item in a slim box, it didn’t depict it that way here.

Subtle images of this lady I like and she and I are getting closer in a physical manner because we are attracted to each beyond the physical side of it. It’s all good and dandy … but then imagery takes over with previous stuff …something like I’m reflecting to myself that I may have pulled back and started to feel sick.

I had those memories bleep in when I had this job as a delivery driver with a third party for Amazon. Interesting how I saw that yesterday outside my bedroom window and took a short clip of it with my phone but besides that in the distance was the other vans that are designated for Amazon about soon to exit the property. Yet, Besides that being noted, how I was driving home in my Subaru during the day vs evening was that I felt so sick to my stomach I stopped on the side of the road and before I could open the door — I vomited upon my own self near the steering wheel. It was in and out of my nose, too that was how intense it was. . .I remember I may have threw up more at the side of my car and had to take the jacket off— maybe I had baby wipes not sure or I just folded into itself and put it in my trunk …this is a Subaru outback so the trunk is not separate from my main part of the vehicle. I think I rinsed out my mouth with a water bottle I had and then you know how you are trying to situate — is that it? That was related to stomach bug I believe …but I also remembered when we did that job out of Massachusetts was that it was hard to get to bathrooms unless you were near a shopping center or you had to resort to other measures besides holding it in. Blah, Blah you know …and god forbid you had a helper …then you all just hold it in or one can go this way or that way . . .it was just ridiculous but part of the job —does one do what is best for them or do they hold it in and make it uncomfortable for yourself. Do you adjust so you don’t have to use the bathroom as much or do you do you and just learn well this is what I have to do to relieve yourself when this happens. Bring a bag of wipes and few more sheets of paper towel and nothing really big just that duty could get done, right!

Like I would tell my kids.. .and at one time I had owned a funnel …you know that one from the auto parts store — that one! Well, instead of squatting you get the funnel, unzip, get situated to cup that on and wa-lah you can pee similarly to a male! Mess-free yet as a female you still need to wipe or use toilet paper and then use a little water or whatever for the funnel and that one time U didn’t have to squat in the woods or wherever technically!

Plus, back in the day I had a separate funnel to add oil to the car so DON’T think I was utilizing it both way ….NO, no, NO!

I don’t have a funnel now yet lately I have been thinking of getting one or two so if something like that arises again, then, its just another way!

I think I had some imagery of my past toxic relationship a bit of being at war …but I think this could have been a memory before I had the meditation or perhaps its just colliding back into this segment of the meditation so I could type it down here. Being battled or better to say being battered or was I doing it so the kids wouldn’t get hit, hurt, and then some.

Remembering bracing the bed and sheets on my belly and just getting slammed and thrusted with his dick. It was a grimacing in the midst of crying out and screaming or just being on my back perhaps pegged down or his sitting up …it was just really intense.

Remembering that there was new items in the bureau draws either above or below his sock draw. . .whips, and other items and that cleaning lady I met Karalyn stated when she looked at them she had a vision and I was able to pinpoint it of the town with her. . . it was the same town Green Meadows was in South Bridge, MA. At first I was thinking of Southington. . .anyway, whips were not used on me — but that imagery of OMG like how people would get lashes as a punishment is what really came to mind from history and stuff like that! Plus, he was always talking about hot oil to pour on and then hot candle wax but no body did the candle wax part…I was just like GET me the fuck out here! Between the switch blades on display and the brass knuckles of him saying ‘Well if anyone comes into our house to rob it will notice …and blah, blah…’ my thing was No One was coming in our house — they were meant to send a message I think to Me! Plus his tolerance was so high now even on medical weed it was just Who Knows where his mind was leading and thinking . . It was scary to me! Besides him talking and rehashing up restraining orders and saying that I need to help him buy an antique gun and so much more. Ebay, Amazon, plain Google searches and all these other clues did not go unnoticed!

Then Last night I was feeling inwardly sad like on the inside or my younger self wanted to ball out crying although Ashley who was just laying on the bed re-watching a TikTok Live was doing it for getting through it what else will come up so I can talk about it today! As I was doing this, I suddenly remembered many things like getting away from my main caregiver with that fucked up bullshit . . .then getting into a sexual relationship and getting satisfaction until it turned into a deeper and darker mess of roller coaster messes. Yet, my toxic X would refer to me as A Child and that I needed to grow up …he would punish harshly as a child …and did extend to our kids if I wasn’t already taking on more so they wouldn’t get it from him. So yeah, and especially from 2019 on was PUNISHED for divorcing him, his words “ airing out our dirty laundry” and for all that shit he had to go through because I always ran away and much more! So, that mere point of saying “I would like to do it for the kids” was not something I completely believed yet if it came from his own self then that must be something. Uh-huh, so his seething hate/anger/power and control of being caught for what he did and went through systems ankle bracelet and all and being monitored to not go over state lines and everything NOW its World War III — that enemy MUST DIE basically, yup!

I had this recollection of breastfeeding all my children throughout the years by MY OWN CHOICE, Yes, and that it felt so good to bond with each of my children. It was so lovely to hold them skin to skin at those first few weeks and then clothed from their on out. Plus, I did some research some time ago that chemistry goes to releasing Oxytocin

Read a brief overview here: https://milkology.org/content/oxytocin-and-breastfeeding

It was such a beautiful experience to have my arms together holding the baby as my son or daughter was getting their food, nutrition, essentially mother’s milk or booby milk straight from the source. As time went on I would pump, too, but breastfeeding with a baby was the best! That warm bonding and we both would fall asleep or I would put the baby into the bassinet or the Crib it was just such a full experience, yet, became an extra duty I’m in this with all my of my life! Meaning if I gave up I would have missed something — yet I was aware 3 was the cut off team of weaning if we made it that far. If they were around 2-3 then I could pump it or supply straight from the tap no problem and it be whenever they wanted it but then it was much less maybe morning and evening only.

Yet, if I had not did breastfeeding I think I would have suffered much more by living in that dark household. . .because I didn’t really like RX and I didn’t have anything prescribed to me either! He just pop pills to have fun or worse throw up!

Then when it was all done with breastfeeding it was nice to see that my contribution was allowing my kids to grow up healthy each time we or I brought the kids to the doctor and stuff like that.

Breastfeeding was an absolute superpower on my end to have a beautiful bond with each of my babies/children Right but I think it became noted as I can sustain better to as a Person while I continue on this breastfeeding journey of like this is giving me a greater balance to my well-being. Kept me relaxed and at that point that love I yearned for all of my life was simultaneously being created right there. The bond went way beyond it with tickling each other and having good laughs and seeing their milestones when I can remember them and you know being part of their lives had me enlightened what they were interested in when the other half was not around.

By World War III nothing was nice in that household unless it was the Fake Nice and just pushing through another day of Rooster rules the Roost! Plus, the children were overhearing and witnessing the amount of punishments, play the parts, all throughout. Like I said calling out the bullshit was off limits to the max because I was in this IN a REALLy Bad Way.

Just like how I was already an adult with my mom and she was bank hungry with bank offers and all that bullshit …playing games like a master well she wanted to become a Power of Attorney and stated I am not able to handle money — tout more power and control …and similarities were presented with toxic 101 marriage — cancel the credit cards, cut them up, no bank account at all, yet you are going to be the secretary and do stuff like that, shop, cook, clean, laundry, clean the gutters, weed whack, pick weeds, keep the garden going, water the garden, keep a wood stove, chop wood, gather kindling, get beat, get whacked across the head, participate in weed, get fucked, get attacked, be driven in a car eradictly with or without kids….just wants me to drop a baby or a kid out of my arms, stepping on my toes, thrashing me around and using my own self to what hurt me …yeah so why do you think I go on about #SHTFG? This is why!

Then think of the movies Pain & Gain and the Joker, Split, Sopranos and just so much more . . .my life was like a movie 24/7 and maintain all of his needs and wants OR else! He use to fast to manage his weight, too . . .I was just always moving around up and down stairs, drive a car here and do this and take care of kids around the clock because I chose to do that. . and all the smoking in the house and it reeked. He is bringing in the weed plants to clip the leaves or another time he hung them behind the barn so they could dry and then bring them in to clip and store in his briefcase. He eventually got this little portable washer machine to make some kind bubble hash with the weed, but then it had to go in a shallow baking pan on low in the oven for so many HOURS, reeked! all this shit is in the kitchen and I’m walking around trying to fucking cook on the cook-top or the electric griddle and at that time this was no surprise TYPICAL BULLSHIT from a one track mind STONER …it was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Right but still living with the other nonsense 24/7 and since I was always on top it I had to manage the shit that would be put on top of the tall Samsung fridge…and more! The flooding basement and the fucked up can’t remember what its called that turns on in the square hole between our washer and dryers. A sub pump! You all this guy had a higher credit limit than I with American Express with a credit score just over 800 so what the fuck he couldn’t just get one at Home Depot? Replace the bitch, right!

He was trying for me to go crazy, get so sick and ELIMINATE MY EXISTENCE! I tell ya he would have buried me and he would have found another victim another woman and then wal-ah kids have a new mom to hang out with OR — OR he would have locked me up in one of those homes and only visited here and there with the kids IF HE DID THAT AT ALL ….and because of his RULING awful behavior and actions of abuse, control and cruelty would have had me suffering the ongoing pain & suffering or had me locked up like at a mental hospital or facility and those kids would have been entrapped with that POS.

Based on Karalynn she said her vision was that his father sexually abused him . . .I could not see it but Guess what I was living through UTTER HELL! Did I feel bad for him – NOPE! I may have felt some remorse but I was getting it all ALL THE TIME. So, either Toxic X was a closeted HOMOsexual and/or a STRAIGHT up ABUSER his brain was just wired to get involved with females and then act out his entire bad childhood non-stop and then enhance with with what video games, movies, and whatever else he chose to watch.

Plus, along the way he said he did learn Karate or Martial Arts from another guy so he was always honing on things he wanted to get better at everything to be what be the most powerful guy creating pain and suffering for women and children? ablib: ‘You are my property — you are my pawns — I imagine I am the father of the year and the best husband — and I am here to live out the American dream if I wasn’t constantly getting crapped on for being an Asshole or constantly losing jobs because nobody gets job security especially when this world is so cruel while trying to raise a family in this world —its so hard!’

Supposably he mentioned he was in therapy for like 15 years — Nah, not when I knew him.

I remembering seeing a paper for some kind of diagnosis NOT bi-polar but it did start with a B

He was always touting outloud that he HAD what I currently have PTSD, constantly!

It was so hard to not startle him when going into the yard ….I am over here trying to whistle from far away or cluck my tongue or something because when he got startled it mad him MAD! So, how does one avoid that ?

I believe he was a Narcissist!

I believe my caregiver was Antisocial!

I know in Toxic X family his Mother held the higher brute position and his Dad was below her yet he was still considered the bread winner as a carpenter. He built that entire house on 123 Turnpike Road from the ground up …he made wooden spindles for added details in that house …it was immaculate for the time it was built and had these sweet coy pond with goldfish and really nice landscaping, bird feeders and more …so there is a little tid bit on that

My grandmother and grandfather were down to earth people, great hosts for family events and parties, and generous people to all.

My mother was a bad seed

My Toxic X was a bad seed

My Father’s Mother was a Bad Seed

My Father’s Father was a war veteran and then went on to fly airplanes and continued to be a breadwinner. They got divorced and remarried to the same person for medical insurance reasons and just because kind of stuff.

My Father’s Mother inherited all the money from his Dad and she did not share any of it to her three sons and when she passed away nothing was inherited to her sons except to someone’s daughter and perhaps of a charity of her choice.

So this just puts more a perspective out there of what I was hearing over the phone . . .my father always said that even though he heard his mom say she always wanted a GIRL …and when my Dad and my mom had me that she was NOT EVEN interested in seeing me at all — even though my Dad was well aware it probably wasn’t gonna be great bond that even so her wish or longing for a girl was not sustained was nearly stepped in with a granddaughter. Uh-huh, so if one could say that was debunked as she said one thing and meant another or no matter what giving her something she mentions wasn’t gonna satisfy because wherever she was coming from it wasn’t gonna be solved by another …that must have been her initial upset when family planning probably came into fruition on her own timeline. But either was she just spoke so bad about others so often and was not warm or loving at all that’s where you see this disgruntled part in life that my dad and his brothers did not have the greatest upbringing either! Dysfunction was born, lack of love and care was sustained and missing, just so much!

Anyway I have been going on about this for awhile. . .and oh yeah my grandfather on my father’s side told me on the phone that he was so scared to have open heart surgery — he had three blocked arteries. So, yeah when people Talk on the phone with me THEY FEEL SO SAFE to open up and I remember saying to myself (Wow, he shared with me that he IS Scared) then I answered aloud, “It’s okay to be scared … yet the doctors are there to help you, they will . . .prep you and put you to sleep and then you will wake back up and the nurses will help you until you go home.”

Well, it was so nice to have conversation with people on the phone and that was our way to keep company and share more about ourselves . . .you know he was my distant grandfather that I meant once that same time I meant my father 1x in my life.

He ended up not getting the surgery and passed away in his sleep. How I knew was when I called and he didn’t pick up the phone anymore and then eventually my Dad told me over the phone. My Dad was brought to tears sharing it with me. Mind you I’m only gaging everything through the telephone so I have great listening skills.

Anyhow and then my son called me and we talked a bit about what he did at his friends house and more …he will be home later on with his e-bike!

~Ashley Soule

Originated on June 07, 2026

Transferred on August 22, 2026 @ 11:55 PM

• I saw two bright white lights that illuminated into the silhouettes of two people facing each other and placing a hand on each others side of their face.
• My left arm jolted for a moment.
• The speaker expressed that we would enter into our own pyramid . . .there is a glass box where would see our thoughts or where would place our thoughts of what I would see when my astral body would go into this tunnel—knowing that this tunnel is all within my pyramid. These thoughts would appear, colors would show, sensations may happen and then those thoughts, memories, or whatever I was observing would appear and be placed in the glass box. Afterwards, I can see in the glass box like fire flies buzzing and swirling around … etc.
• I saw pink like a maze tightly winding almost like in a Celtic pattern within a 3-D heart like it was Jewelry. The textures showed like it was made from earth and this soft almost gaseous pink appeared and followed the etched lines creating the design on and within the heart. This heart was rounded on both sides . . .so not flat on one side, and those etched lines were in one way gripping onto the heart like a vine yet the heart was not suffering it was beaming from this almighty hugging in a sense of being held — it was like part of the life force it was meant to be that way.
• I saw something blaze in — it was a flash of gold that showed a ring that a dog had just caught into its mouth as just turned its head forward to continue running at its fast pace. . .its fur was somewhat longer and had a mix of dark and light coat. The dogs ears were a bit more defined yet curled over a little towards the front and the tips of its fur were being illuminated in gold.
• As the dog continue running so fast there was some imagery right above the dogs shoulders and head there was also imagery of racing horse. . .a dark brown horse with its defined short silky body going towards its mane on its neck. The mane hair was clearly defined as more matte yet soft. The horse may have not been running as fast as the dog but it showed more like a still image (Like was that my inner thoughts or the dogs inner thoughts or whatever) to say this dog is running as fast as a horse. I think so!
• There is expression that my higher self is up above . . .this is my astral body making through the tunnel of my pyramid and then as time goes on to see some more imagery or to gain some wisdom before deciding to walk away from the glass box of thoughts/observations. . .
• I see some more things: Earth tones dark and medium greens, dark blue, burnt orange, blooped through and a person was sitting with long hair sitting facing me with one leg straight and one leg bent up — their hand to one side for support. I was trying to make her out yet that was not the premise of this . . and it was interesting to see. . . I thought of the campfire and how being in nature is nice. . . and maybe she was deep in thought or looking out and I just caught a glimpse of this at this very moment.
• The guided meditation lady shares that I will walk away from the glass box and as I was trying to do that . . .I saw a series of other things. . .
• I see a person being formed in silhouette form and begin to walk away.
• This creature swoops in the best way to describe it was sort of like a mix of scorpion and when you look through a microscope of other bugs that aren’t see well with your naked eye. It had fur, scorpions don’t have fur and I’m like its this muted grey color, too! I’m not in my body so I could see more of it by not being scared. I had no idea what it was actually yet it didn’t fight anything, it didn’t sniff anything out, I’m just like maybe this another way of resistance showing up or something. You know it’s foreign not knowing what to expect.
• Now I kept it going it didn’t follow me and then as I am walking away there is more imagery being presented . . .although somewhere in there was some kind of tube or tubular structure and at the the end a structure shaped like a plus sign would protrude out of it. . .I wasn’t really sure what it was …thought it kind of reminded me of something Japanese at first …but then the mind switched to a males member —his penis and the plus sign that was being accentuated from it was like the seeds they add to our world . . Each time that stamps a person there is this connection or that he can procreate with you —within an art form that I was seeing here.
• Then I was presented with imagery of a female’s torso lying down and her legs are bent yet lying to each side of her and then a male comes in closer to penetrate I think her butt hole and I’m seeing this on a side angle and then adjusts to go into the middle. The imagery was being shown in grey like light grey. . and I think this portrays the current missions I work on and other matters like that. In my opinion, I really think the guy was an adult and the female was not.
• I get back to my body and as the lady guided meditation starts to count out from 10 to 1. . .I could see a small face appearing and other things were peeking through. I saw a baseball jersey for the Mets and at that point my left finger tips started to let up on this feeling of tingly sensations like when your hand gets out of sleep mode.
• And here I am now!

Ashley Soule

~Originated on June 01, 2026 and transferred over her on August 23, 2026 at 12:09 AM